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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Oliver 
 
 
Question: 
 
Friends and family have accused me of being angry. I don't think I'm 
an angry person. What is anger? 
 
Answer:  
 
I still remember one of the first times my wife Carrie asked me why I 
was angry, and I wasn’t aware of being angry. Of course, when 
someone asks you why you’re angry, and you don’t think you’re angry, 
what are you going to get? You’re going to get angry. It made me 
start to think and reflect, because my dad and my grandfather both 
had anger problems. But I didn’t think it was a problem for me.  
 
Well, in my years as a clinical psychologist, as a husband of 26 years, 
as a father of three sons, I’ve learned a lot about emotions, especially 
about the emotion of anger. Anger is one of the most powerful and 
controlling of all the emotions, and anger is also one of the most 
confusing.  
 
So, what is anger? First of all, anger is a strong feeling of irritation or 
displeasure. And it may start off as something very simple, something 
that doesn’t seem significant, but it just kind of bugs you or irritates 
you. It can grow from a mild irritation to a significant frustration to, in 
some cases, full-blown anger. So, it’s a source of irritation or 
displeasure.  
 
Anger is also energy. Most people don’t realize that anger is the most 
energizing of all the emotions. In fact, when you or I experience grief, 
it drains us of energy. When we experience fear, it drains us. 
Depression drains us. Worry drains us. But, when we have anger, 
 
 
energy is pumped into our central and peripheral nervous system, and 
our body goes on alert. So, anger is energy. 
 
Anger is also a state of readiness. When we experience anger our body 
goes on alert, and we’re ready to do something. We have this energy 
and we need to take some action. And sometimes if we don’t 
understand our anger—and that’s one of the things that I’ve struggled 
with, and a lot of folks that I’ve worked with—we don’t understand 
what anger is, and where it comes from, we have this energy, and 
we’re likely to say something, or do something, that later on we regret 
or we’re sorry for. 
 
I’ve had to apologize more than once to my wife and each one of my 
three sons, because of an irritation that I wasn’t aware of, I reacted 
and said something, and as soon as I said it I realized that I let my 
mouth speak before I got my mind engaged.  
 
So, anger is energy, anger is a state of readiness, anger is a 
secondary emotion that is experienced in response to a primary 
emotion. And the three primary emotions are fear and/or hurt and/or 
frustration.  
 
This is so important. Whenever you experience anger you are always 
experiencing something else. Whenever you experience anger you are 
always experiencing something else. And most of us tend to react to 
the secondary emotion of anger rather than discover what the primary 
emotion is. Is it fear, and/or hurt or is it frustration? 
 
So, anger is also a secondary emotion. When we experience anger we 
can’t always control when we experience it. We’re driving along. You’re 
late for an appointment. You’re making good time. And some clown 
pulls in front of you and goes ten miles below the speed limit and now 
you know you’re going to be late. You were doing great. And all of a 
sudden, in a millisecond, you experience a form of anger.  
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Anger is something that we can’t always control when we experience 
it, but we can learn to control how we express it. We can make our 
anger work for us. Anger is a powerful emotion, and anger can work 
for us or anger can work against us. The key is that when you 
experience anger, don’t let your anger control you. You don’t have to 
let your anger control you. You can learn to understand the anger. You 
can actually learn to listen to the anger. That’s what is important.  
 
As you experience the emotion of anger, listen to it. Look at it. 
Understand it. And over time, you can learn how to make this powerful 
emotion work for you rather than against you. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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