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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Oliver 
 
 
Question: 
 
Sometimes I get angry and can't help it. How can I deal with this, so I 
do not hurt myself or others? 
 
Answer:  
 
Anger is one of the most frequently experienced emotions. In fact, 
everybody experiences some form of anger, oftentimes at least once a 
day. In fact, the average experience is like seven or eight times a day. 
An occupational hazard of being human is that you’ll have anger. Think 
about it. Cadavers don’t have anger. Cadavers are calm and cool and 
laid back. But, those of us who are living and breathing, we’re going to 
have some frustrations and some hurts and some fears. We’re going to 
experience anger. 
 
A lot of folks think—I’ve worked with hundreds of patients—who have 
felt like, you know, I’m just an angry person, there’s nothing I can do 
about it. I want you to know that that’s not true, that there are some 
specific steps that you can take to make your anger work for you 
rather than against you. 
 
Step one is to simply be aware of it. When are you most likely to 
experience anger? A certain time of day, a certain location? What are 
some of the key triggers? Keep a log for a week, and just jot down 
your experience of anger, and where you are, and what’s going on, 
and how strong it is, and the time of day. Step one is to be aware of 
your anger. 
 
Step two is to admit it. Admit to yourself and say, “You know, I’m 
angry.” Of all the emotions anger is the one that we’re most likely to 
 
 
blame someone else for. That’s why marriage is so great, because you 
can blame your wife or your husband, or you can blame your kids, you 
can blame your co-workers. But you know what? When you are angry, 
when I’m angry, it’s your anger, it’s nobody else’s. And I can’t control 
whether someone is going to cause me to experience the emotion of 
anger, but I can control what I do about it. My anger is my anger.  
 
So, it’s important to admit it. You know, “I’m angry, I’m frustrated. 
I’m hurt. I’m fearful.” Identify either that secondary emotion of anger, 
or if you’re aware of it, at this point, one of the three primary causes, 
which again is, fear and/or hurt and /or frustration.  
 
Next, determine at the outset, make a decision, make a choice, who is 
going to have control—this is easier said than done—but once you 
start doing it you will be amazed at how easy it is. It’s simply saying, 
“Am I going to allow my anger to control me? Am I going to be a 
puppet of this emotion? Am I going to be a slave to the situation, or 
am I going to choose to make this emotion work for me?” It really is a 
conscious choice. Determine at the outset, “Am I going to control the 
anger, or will I let it control me?” 
 
And then also remind yourself of all the positive things that healthy 
anger can provide. Let me say that again. Remind yourself of all the 
positive things that healthy anger can provide. There is a big 
difference between healthy anger and unhealthy anger. Healthy anger 
serves as an alarm. Healthy anger can say, you know, something’s 
wrong. Now, you may or may not need to worry about it, but you 
better pay attention to it.  
 
So, healthy anger serves as an alarm. Also, it provides us with energy. 
Man, if you’re in a threatening situation, or if you’re hurt or if you’re 
drained, anger is the most energizing of all the emotions. And the 
emotion of anger can give you tremendous energy to face challenges, 
to deal with problems, to counter injustice, to right wrong, to maybe 
Oliver -2- 
 
 
step in and be part of the solution rather than being part of the 
problem. 
 
Healthy anger is also a powerful source of motivation. Boy, when I 
have that emotion of anger it often says that a principle, a value, 
something’s been violated. There’s something in my life that needs to 
be changed or addressed or looked at. And, where my natural state, 
quite honestly, might be to not say anything. Sometimes it’s safer to 
be passive—to go in my room, to turn on the TV, to get on my 
computer and start working on a book or a lecture or something. 
Healthy anger can motivate me to take some action. 
 
And then, the last one there is that healthy anger can actually increase 
trust in a relationship. I find that the people I trust the most are the 
ones that I know will be straight with me. The ones who will be honest 
with me. The ones who will confront an issue with me. 
 
Then, the next step in healthy anger is to define it. You’ve reminded 
yourself of the benefits of healthy anger. You’ve said, “I’m going to 
control it, I’m not going to let it control me.” You’ve taken 
responsibility, you’ve accepted and admitted it, now, define it. What is 
the primary cause of the anger? Again, is it hurt and/or fear and/or 
frustration? Anger is always a secondary emotion. And underneath the 
emotion of anger always lies fear and/or hurt and/or frustration. 
Define it. What’s the cause of that? 
 
And then, the next step, and the last one, is, very simply: choose your 
response. You see, by this time, you have put yourself in a place 
where you’re much less likely to be controlled by this powerful 
emotion. You’ve chosen to say, “I’m not going to react, I’m going to 
choose to respond.” And you’ve chosen to choose to respond to this 
emotion of anger. 
 
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And what you’ll find is, these simple steps that I’ve shared with you—
honestly, it won’t happen automatically, in fact, to be quite candid it 
took me probably six to nine months to change my anger patterns. But 
I was able to do it. I’ve worked with thousands of men and women 
who have done that. You can learn to make your anger work for you.  
 
I know you might be discouraged. You might be frustrated. You might 
say, “You know Doc, you have no idea my anger is.” Listen, I’ve 
worked with rage-a-holics, I’ve worked with folks that have been 
incarcerated for their anger. I understand anger. And don’t ever say 
there’s no hope. You can choose to learn to make your anger work for 
you. And these simple steps will help you. 
 
 
 
 
Oliver -4- 
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