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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Oliver 
 
 
Question: 
 
How can anger be healthy? Isn’t anger a bad thing? 
 
Answer:  
 
Virtually everything we hear about the emotion of anger is that it’s 
bad, it’s negative, it causes problems, you should avoid it, you should 
ignore it. While that is oftentimes the case, the problem is not with the 
emotion of anger. The problem is that most people don’t understand 
the emotion of anger, what it is, where it comes from.  
 
And so, most expressions of anger we see are of unhealthy anger, of 
anger out of control. Boy, unhealthy anger can cause problems, it can 
lead to abuse, it can cause health problems, but you know what? 
There is such a thing as healthy anger. That surprises a lot of people. 
But, there can be healthy anger.  
 
What does healthy anger look like? Well, first of all, healthy anger is 
controlled. When I understand my emotional anger, when I understand 
this part of who I am, I don’t allow the emotion to control me, but I 
learn to control it. So, healthy anger is always controlled. 
 
Another thing about healthy anger is that it is proactive, not reactive. 
A big problem with the emotion of anger is that anger is the most 
reactive of all the emotions, because when I experience anger, when 
you experience anger, adrenalin and noradrenalin are pumped into 
your central and peripheral nervous systems.  
 
Your whole body goes on alert. It’s the most energizing of emotions, 
and it can energize you just like that. It’s almost immediate. And so I 
 
 
suddenly have this energy, I have this strength, and if we don’t 
understand the emotion, if we don’t understand our anger styles or 
anger patterns or what sets us up for it, we’re very likely to react to 
the energy, to react to the situation, to say something rather than 
respond.  
 
When I respond, I process it, I think about it. I look at what’s going 
on. I don’t just open my mouth and say something. I’ve been a 
psychologist for twenty-five years. I work in the area of marriage and 
family. I’m a trained professional, and I can’t count the times that I 
have opened my mouth and reacted and said things and done things 
that grieve me, that grieve my family, that brought tears to my eyes 
and their eyes. 
 
Allowing this emotion to control us can be a major problem. But 
healthy anger we can learn how to be proactive and not just reactive. 
Another sign of healthy anger is that its motivation is good, its 
motivation is to build, its motivation is to encourage. I can use the 
energy of my anger to solve problems.  
 
When I have a disagreement with my wife and I want to go run in my 
room, or turn the TV on, or go out and hit the tennis ball, that’s okay, 
but I can use that energy to say, “Honey we need to talk about this.” 
To ask questions.  
 
You see, that’s not my default mode. When there’s a problem, I don’t 
want to talk about it first thing. My wife does. “Honey, let’s talk.” 
Right. Just what I want to hear. But, I know that at some point we 
have to process the issue. I can learn to use that anger-energy to ask 
questions and to listen to my wife. So, that’s another aspect of what 
healthy anger can look like. 
 
Another point about the anger-energy is that it’s not merely spent, but 
it’s invested. I’ve learned how to use my anger-energy by investing in 
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the relationship. What does that look like? Well, it looks like initiating 
discussions. It looks like asking my wife Carrie questions. It looks like 
going to my boys or when I have a friend at work and there’s an issue 
going on and I’m getting kind of frustrated, that I’m able to identify 
that I’m feeling some frustration. Okay, I can sit on this and let it go, 
and it will probably just get worse. Or I can go and talk to the person, 
and I can explain what my concern is or what the issue is, and we can 
work it out. That’s one of the examples of healthy anger. 
 
One of the last ones, is healthy anger doesn’t react it responds. Again, 
the default mode, the automatic mode for most of us is kind of like a 
reflex. You know when you go to the doctor and when he or she gets 
that little rubber hammer and hits your knee and your knee pops out 
like that? Well, that means that your neurology, your wiring, is the 
way it’s supposed to be. Well, for most of us, when we experience 
anger, we have this energy, our body goes on alert, and so we react.  
 
But when we react we are most likely to say and do things that are 
hurtful, that are harmful, that will build walls, that will tear down 
bridges, that will destroy relationships. I’ve worked with patients who, 
with tears in their eyes have recalled events that took place sixty and 
seventy years ago, they’ve recalled events that happened sixty and 
seventy years ago, and with tears in their eyes recall that event as if it 
had just happened.  
 
“Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.” 
That’s not true. In fact, in some cases bones can heal much quicker 
than hearts and memories. Hurtful words. People remember those. 
They do damage.  
 
And so that’s why it’s important to understand that when you start to 
experience the first sign of anger you’ve got a choice: You can either 
allow that anger to control you or you can choose to say, “I’m not 
going to choose to react. I’m not going to be the puppet of my 
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problem. I’m not going to be the slave of this situation. But, I’m going 
to choose to respond.” You can make anger-energy work for you 
rather than against you. And I guarantee that will make a huge, huge 
difference in every single one of your relationships. 
 
 
 
 
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