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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Oliver 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do people express anger in unhealthy ways? 
 
Answer:  
 
Of all the emotions, anger has the greatest range of ways that we 
express it and the ways we deal with it. And, unhealthy anger, there 
are probably three main patterns that we’ve discovered that 
characterize how a person does anger.  
 
Some people are what we call “cream puffs.” And the cream puff kind 
of stuffs and represses the anger. The cream puff kind of says, “You 
know, this is my fault, and I shouldn’t have let this happen.” And they 
take the blame. The cream puff is your classic co-dependent. And 
you’d never know the cream puff ever gets angry, because their motto 
is “peace at any price.” But the problem is you can only stuff and 
repress and suppress and deny so long.  
 
About three months before Mount St. Helens blew, the volcano 
erupted, I flew over it while on my way to a speaking engagement. 
And, it was beautiful. Rivers, lakes, streams, it was a gorgeous area. I 
also flew back over it about two months after it exploded, and it was 
astonishing. It looked like an atomic bomb went off. It was just 
devastated. Well, that’s what happens with people who stuff and 
repress and suppress and deny their anger. They become a walking 
Mount St. Helens.  
 
And so, the cream puff can be a cream puff for so long, but then 
something’s got to give. Either it will go in their physiology: strokes, 
 
 
colitus, goiter, migraine headaches, ulcers, or they will explode 
outwardly. Cream puff is the first unhealthy anger style.  
 
The second is what we call “the locomotive.” And the locomotive is 
opposite of the cream puff. The locomotive knows that you’re the 
problem. You’re the one that made the mistake. You need to change. 
You need to grow. I’m right. How could you criticize me? How could 
you think this?  
 
And their whole thing is: “Whatever happens, it’s not my fault.” They 
don’t live in the land of the free. They live in the land of the fault-free. 
Because if there’s a problem, I didn’t do it, it’s not my fault, you must 
have made the mistake. They can’t take responsibility.  
 
And what we tend to hear about in terms of anger is that we tend to 
hear about is the locomotives, who beat, who abuse, who emotionally 
abuse, who manipulate, who control, who do the road rage, those are 
oftentimes the locomotives. And the locomotive is really an unhealthy 
and destructive anger style. The locomotives are more unhealthy to 
others, the cream puffs the damage at first is more in terms of 
themselves. 
 
So, there’s the cream puff, the locomotive, and the last one is what we 
call “the steel magnolia.” The steel magnolia has this lovely delicate 
magnolia blossom on the outside. But inside there’s this bark, and 
there’s this hard wood. The steel magnolia is your passive-aggressive 
person. They’re the one who when they’re angry, they’ll never yell at 
you, they won’t scream, or shout, or throw anything at all. They’ll 
smile at you. They’ll be nice to you.  
 
But, then they’ll be late, when they say they’ll be there for an 
appointment. They’ll forget to bring a certain dish for the potluck they 
were supposed to show up for. The passive-aggressive is the one as 
you look in their face, and as they’re talking to you, you feel, slowly, 
Oliver -2- 
 
 
this knife turning in your back, but you’re not sure what’s going on. 
They’ll say something. It won’t sound like a criticism, but it will feel 
like one. If you challenge them and say, “What did that mean,” they’ll 
often come back and say, “I can’t believe you’d think that I would say 
something that would hurt you or offend you.” 
 
Three major styles: The cream puff, the locomotive, and the steel 
magnolia. Now, here’s the question: Which style did you see the most 
growing up? Which style did you see manifested, the cream puff, the 
locomotive or the steel magnolia? Which style was more characteristic 
of your mom? Which style was more characteristic of your dad? Which 
style did you pick up? Which style is most characteristic of you? 
 
A wise philosopher once said that “a problem defined is a problem half 
solved.” And most of us grew up, I know I did, I didn’t grow up with 
any model of healthy anger. I grew up with models of unhealthy 
anger. And most of us grew up in those types of homes.  
 
As we can better understand our anger pattern, for example: Do you 
tend to be more of a cream puff? Do you tend to be more of a 
locomotive or more of a steel magnolia? As you can better understand 
your unhealthy anger pattern, the just understanding that will give you 
the opportunity to start to make some changes. To learn how to 
express your anger in healthy ways. In ways that solve problems. In 
ways that tear down walls, not build walls. In ways that don’t tear 
down bridges, but build bridges.  
 
You can learn to express your anger in ways that will help build 
healthier and happier and more wholesome relationships, whether it’s 
marriage and family, personal, or relationships in the marketplace. 
Anger can be a friend if you understand the difference between 
unhealthy and healthy anger. 
Oliver -3- 
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