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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
My husband thinks that I don't work because I'm a stay-at-home 
mom. I do the dishes, the trash…I'm tired. How can I get him to help? 
 
Answer:  
 
First of all, let me use a clinical term to describe your husband: he’s an 
idiot. You know what? If a man is married to a woman; he’s lucky 
enough to have a woman who has made that tough decision to stay-
at-home and take care of the ankle-biters; he is one lucky guy. He is 
being very disrespectful, not to mention chauvinistic, in his 
statements. And, you ought to feel offended, and rightfully so. 
 
A couple of things. Number one: you have to tell him how you feel. 
Don’t keep this bottled up. You know, I’d write him a letter. Send him 
a letter to his office. Mark it “personal.” Spend 39 cents, or whatever it 
costs to send a letter. It might be worth it.   
 
You need to stand up for yourself in this situation. I think it would be 
real interesting if you got yourself engaged in some activities. And on 
a Saturday, you said, “Well, honey, I’m not going to be here. Good 
luck. Remember, the baby needs to be in bed by 1:00.” 
 
You know, years ago, my wife went to a weekend thing with a bunch 
of women from our church. And, I heard her talking to her mom about 
making arrangements to come over and baby-sit our kids. Well, our 
kids were young at the time. They were probably three and eighteen 
months-the two older girls. And I heard this conversation and I went, 
“No. Hey, honey, call your mother back.” And so, she called her 
mother back. And I said, “Honey, listen. I’ll take care of it. I’ll take 
 
care of the kids. Don’t worry about a thing. You just go have a great 
time.”  
 
You know how many years ago that was? I remember every moment 
of it. I remember my wife came home late that afternoon; about 5:00 
that afternoon. I can still see her silhouette coming through the door. 
And I said to her, “You’re home! How many days have you been 
gone?” And she looked at me, and she said, “Days? What are you 
talking about?” And she looked around the family room, and she said, 
“What happened in here?”  I said, “Don’t give me that ‘what happened’ 
bit. I cleaned this room three times today!”  I’m telling you, a kid 
came through the back door on a trike, a little tricycle, with muddy 
wheels. I didn’t even know who the kid was! I don’t think our kids 
knew who the kid was! He came in the back door and went out the 
front door! It was a zoo the whole afternoon, trying to keep on top of 
those little kids.  
 
Once you walk, gentlemen, in your wife’s shoes, you have a firm 
appreciation for the job your wife does. So, this guy needs a little 
reality discipline. And he needs some straight talk from you—because; 
let me be blunt with you: this is not a man you want to curl up and be 
close to. This is not a man you want to give your all to. This is not a 
man you want to spend time with. And, if these things don’t get 
changed quickly, you’re going to end up a statistic. What does that 
mean? You’re going to be divorced. Because, there’s going to be a 
divide between you, as wide as it possibly can be. This is how people 
end up in divorce court. The average marriage lasts a whopping seven 
years. You’ll have 1.9 children. Do you really want to be like 
everybody else? No. Who wants to be like everybody else?  
 
So, you need to get your husband’s attention. It might be sort of fun, 
for example; if you just sort of back off from some of the things you 
do around the house, until Mr. Know-it-all figures out that maybe you 
do a lot more than you’re getting credit for. 
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Counseling in this situation—you won’t hear out of my mouth lots of 
times: “Go and find a counselor. You need it”—but in this situation, I’d 
find one quick. Good luck.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
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