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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I feel defeated because my wife says I don't spend enough time with 
her? 
 
Answer:  
 
So, what you’re saying is that you work a lot. You’re a husband and 
you’re a dad, but your wife is still saying that you don’t spend enough 
time with her. Well, I heard the same thing, and I hear it from a lot of 
guys. 
 
What’s the solution? I think it’s a lot simpler than you might imagine. I 
used to feel really intimidated when my wife would tell me I wasn’t 
spending enough time with her, and so I used to react because I felt 
like I was a failure as a husband, and then I would get into a little bit 
of an argument about the whole thing. And I’d say, “What do you 
want?” and, “Spend less money.”  
 
Typically, today, the wife is working, the husband is working, and 
they’ve got kids, and babysitters, and preschools, and you name it, 
and often the husband will say, “Well, spend less money, then! 
Because I’ve got to keep working, if we’re going to live the way we 
live,” and then they fly off. 
 
Instead of getting into an argument, take a pause, calm down, and 
remember that when a woman says, “You’re not spending enough time 
with me,” what is she typically saying? What I’ve heard them say is, 
“Our relationship is not filled up. Our relationship is hurting. We’re not 
bonded or connected enough for me.” Actually, the typical wife is far 
 
 
superior in knowing where the relation is than the typical husband. 
This is just what the research shows. 
 
When you think of your marriage, think of it as a barrel. In fact, think 
of your wife, in a sense, as a person that needs to be filled up every 
day. If she is like a barrel to you, and you fill her needs up, you’re 
actually filling up your marriage and your marriage relationship.  
 
Because, it’s extremely important that every woman, every wife, 
receive a certain number of things every day. If you could think of it 
daily filling up this container, then you really are focused on your wife.  
 
A woman needs a certain amount of communication every day. A 
woman needs a certain number of touches every day, and a certain 
kind of touch. A woman needs caring and security every day.  
 
It’s not like you’re spending you whole day at this. The research shows 
that even if you spend even as little as five minutes a day focused on 
your wife, and understanding what she’s going through, what she’s 
doing, what she’s interested in—if you actually let her rehearse her 
day, and you understand it, and you participate, that can fill up the 
entire barrel. 
 
A lot of men—and I’m certainly guilty of this—think, “Ugh. To fill up a 
woman’s need for communication, I’ll be here all day.” It is so 
discouraging, we don’t even try. Plus, we don’t know what to do.  
 
Here is the key. What you do is you listen to your wife and make every 
effort to understand her. And if you repeat back what you think you’re 
hearing, and say, “Honey, is this what you’re going through today? Tell 
me about this morning. Tell me about the kids.” Just interview her for 
a few minutes. But it’s really the focused attention, it’s the 
understanding, it’s the facial expression that “I love you and I’m 
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interested in you. I want to understand and hear how your day has 
been.” 
 
I’m saying to start with five minutes a day, and see what happens. 
Touch her, at least twelve times a day, and ask her how she wants to 
be touched—holding hands, et cetera. 
 
Sometimes a woman would say, “Uh, I don’t want to tell you how I 
want to be touched or how many times, because that’s so mechanical. 
I want you to just do it because you want to.”  
 
And then you say to her, “Honey, I love you. I want to do this. I 
understand from the things I’m learning that it’s very important that 
we touch each other every day to stay healthy—physically healthy, 
and for our marriage to stay healthy. But I don’t know what are the 
most meaningful touches to you. Just share with me, what are the 
most meaningful? So, if I’m going to touch you, and I want to, what is 
the best way?” That’s all you’re asking.  
 
So, when you find out the best way to communicate, the best way to 
touch, the best way to build security for her—this might take only 15 
minutes a day. You might be able to do some of it on the phone or 
your cell phone, while you’re driving around selling things. The key is, 
“What does she need to feel like she’s being filled up every day?” 
 
Try it. I guarantee you’re going to see a big difference in your 
marriage. 
 
 
 
 
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