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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
My husband retired six months ago.  He was in management. Now that 
he's home, he suggests “better” ways to do the laundry, the shopping, 
even manage the gardener. I am sick of it and don't want to be around 
him. 
 
Answer:  
 
You know, I had a football coach’s wife tell me once, “Hey, Kevin! I 
figured out how come we got along so well. It was because my 
husband was always gone.” 
 
Does that ring a bell? You know, sometimes when a man retires and 
comes home, he has a hard time retiring. Keep in mind that he was an 
executive; he was the one that called the shots. And on top of that, it 
sounds like he’s a great flaw-picker.  
 
Well, the one thing you don’t need as a woman is what? A flaw-picker! 
You have run your house for “X” number of years, and done so well. 
And now he comes home, Mr. Executive, and he’s going to redo 
everything.  You need to tell him a couple of things. Number one, that 
we need to have a good role definition for who-does-what in this 
family. I’m convinced that with busy people, with successful people, a 
role definition is really important. I’d give him the job, if he doesn’t 
already do it, of paying all the bills for the family. Put him online. Find 
some things for him to do with some of his buddies. Encourage some 
of those things.  
 
It’s just a fact of life: you’ve learned to row your canoe. And he’s 
learned to row his canoe. Now he’s moved stations and you’re trying 
 
to get him in the same boatyard—and it gets interesting to see how 
this works. “We spent all our life being away from each other most of 
the time, and now we’re around each other; stepping on each other.” 
It’s a very familiar question that comes from people who are 
retirement age and better. 
 
A lot of people, quite frankly, guess what they choose to do? They find 
other work, because they find it hard to be under each other’s foot. 
Because let’s face it, we’re creatures of habit. We do things over and 
over and over again. All of a sudden, there’s interference. It’s like a 
situation where you’re in a blended family. Or, a divorce situation 
where the kids go and live here and then they live there, and back and 
forth. Well, when the kids return home, what happens to the family? 
Everything’s sort of in turmoil. It takes a couple of days just to settle 
down from those differences that exist in our family patterns. 
 
So, this is one that needs some straight talk. But more than that, I 
think you need that division of labor, and you need to give yourself a 
break. You need to find some things you can do. Not only with your 
girlfriends, but you and your husband need to find some activities that 
you can do; things neither of you have ever done. 
 
There’s a lot of opportunities at community colleges in your 
community, I’m sure, where you two might be able to take a course or 
two and discover something completely new—together. That might 
give you the kind of bonding you need at this stage in your life. Good 
luck.  
 
 
 
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