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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
My wife has become hard to live with, what do I do? 
 
Answer:  
 
So, your wife is hard to life with. Well, again, join a lot of other 
husbands around the world. But you know what? There’s several 
things you can do. In fact, I can say that the biggest thing you can 
do—the number one thing you need to start thinking about right now—
is, what have you been doing that could potentially be stimulating her 
to be the way she is? 
 
You might think, well, I’m a good guy. You know, I make a good living. 
I’m a good father. You know, I’m a loving person. I’m pretty okay. 
Well, a lot of times most men—and I certainly can identify with this, 
because this is the way I was for the first ten years of my marriage—
had no clue of how a lot of their words and actions affect their wife.  
 
Depending on how many years you’ve been married, ask yourself this, 
“Have I ever done…”—you probably haven’t done this, but there are 
men who, literally will squeeze their wife’s rib area right here, and say, 
“Do you really think we need to have two deserts tonight?” And so, 
kind of joking, you know, thinking, well, you’re really telling her she’s 
fat, she’s over-weight, she should eat less—that’s really what you’re 
saying. You might think that’s not that big of a deal. It’s kind of light, 
you know. It’s light—a little piece of paper. Why is she so sensitive, 
you know? 
 
Let me tell you how she’s probably hearing it. See this barrel? Listen 
to the sound of this. [thump] Hear that? She’s probably feeling your 
 
 
little squeeze on her side like a barrel hits her against the side of the 
head, and you thought, “Ah, it’s only a little piece of paper. It’s not 
hurting anybody. It’s light.”  
 
Well, no, it’s not—not to a female. The average female is about 75% 
more sensitive to relational issues than the average man. Even though 
most men want a great relationship, they’re not anywhere near as 
sensitive. Women—the way they’re wired, the way their brain is wired, 
so different than ours—they can hear things two rooms away you and 
I can’t hear, because their hearing is so keen. They can smell things a 
mile away. They can hear. They can interpret things. They look at our 
facial expressions, our tone of voice, our eyes. They hear everything. 
Don’t even think you can get away with a thing. And there’s three or 
four days every month that a woman hears even better than the other 
days of the month. And so, that’s when you really have to be alert.  
 
So, here’s my advice to you. Think of your words, just normal words, 
and your actions towards her every day as a big barrel blasting up 
against the side of her, and maybe she’s a lot more hurt by what 
you’ve said and done to her in the past than you actually realize.  
 
Where you want to get, eventually, as a man—and this is what I work 
on all the time—how can I make my words softer, more tender, more 
sensitive? And, of course, I have to learn that just like you do. Over 
the years, as I’ve learned it—over 42 years of marriage in my life. 
Actually, my wife and I are best friends today. She said to me last 
week in an e-mail, “I miss you more than I ever have before, and I 
love you more. You’re my best friend.” I mean, I am thrilled that that’s 
happening now.  
 
And so, when you really think about your wife’s reaction, instead of 
pointing your finger and blaming her for being hard to live with, really 
start thinking about what areas do you need to repair, and what 
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damage you’ve done, and seek forgiveness, and say, “Honey, I realize 
that I’ve said a lot of things, and done a lot of things. 
 
Ask her some day, zero to ten—zero, that’s no big deal; ten, this is a 
big deal—what have I done to you that’s a big deal that’s really 
offended you?  Start with you first. Do everything you can to correct 
the relationship, to make it better, to repair a lot of the damage, and 
see if it doesn’t cause her to start responding to you better as a wife. 
It’s amazing how that works. 
 
If that doesn’t work, then you might want to consider the history of 
her life. What kind of parents did she have? It’s been proven today, in 
science today, that, if a girl is raised without parents the first year, 
didn’t have a lot of touch, didn’t have a lot of emotional bonding and 
connection, it’s difficult for them to bond today. They’re hard to live 
with, and you have to restore what happened to her back at one, by 
developing with her a great relationship. 
 
Actually, the genetic structure of the brain changes, if a person isn’t 
hugged and connected the first two months, and then they are hard to 
live with the rest of their life. But when they do develop a relationship, 
which is difficult, but when they get it, it actually re-changes back the 
brain the way it should be. So, maybe she had an accident, major 
accident on a bicycle—or, you know, a lot of people don’t connect 
those things, because, if it affects her brain, it can affect the 
relationship.  
 
So, there’s history you can do. There’s people who can help you, but 
usually the key is the two of you learning to develop a new 
relationship. And you take the lead by finding out from her what it 
would take to have a great marriage, and then you do your part and 
see if it doesn’t change her. 
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