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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
Why won't my husband help me clean the house? What can I do to 
motivate him to help me? 
 
Answer:  
 
So, you’re married to a slug who never helps you with anything around 
the house. Actually, I was a lot like that the first several years of my 
marriage, so I can empathize with you.  
 
But you know, it’s very important to understand some things about our 
personalities, and I want to ask you some questions about yours and 
then your husband’s personality, and then I want to explain some 
other things about men and how we can be motivated best by you.  
 
First of all, personalities. I want you to know that personalities usually 
break out in a combination of four. You can have all four, just to 
different degrees. You could have one, and be very low on the other 
three. It all depends. And I’ll explain them to you very fast, and you 
can tell me what you are and what your husband is. 
 
The first one is a lion. Picture a lion. They’re very controlling—they 
want to be in charge. They’re the boss—at least, they think they are. 
They’re not very relational, they’re sort of intimidating. They want 
things to go their way. They’re in charge. They’re sort of, “Grrr-growl,” 
when things go a little bit chaotic at home. They tend to take over. 
That could be you. That could be your husband. 
 
If it is you, one of the reasons your husband maybe doesn’t help 
around the house is because when he starts or tries, you’re after him, 
 
you’re criticizing him. He isn’t doing it right, and you’re trying to 
control him. Men are very sensitive to being controlled, on average. 
We don’t like that. 
 
The second personality type is called the otter—you know, fun-loving, 
carefree, idea person. A communicator, clown, promises stuff and 
doesn’t follow through. Just loves life. That kind of husband never sees 
anything that needs to be fixed around the house, or anything that 
needs to be cleaned. If he’s sitting on the couch doing nothing but 
watching the game, and you’re irritated because he won’t do anything, 
and you say to him, “Well, at least you could lift your feet while you’re 
watching that game when I’m vacuuming.” You know, we would do 
that, and still not say, “Hey, Honey, let me do it. In fact, let me clean 
the closet out after the game,” or, “You know what? I didn’t make the 
bed this morning. Let me just take a break during half-time, and I’ll go 
make the bed.” 
 
I’m an otter, and I don’t see anything that needs to be done around 
the house. However, after being married for forty-two years, I do 
make the bed every day, I do clean, I do a lot of things around the 
house—but that took a long time for my wife to basically train me to 
do that. 
 
So, anyway, that’s the otter. 
 
Then the next one is the Golden Retriever, a very sensitive person. 
They love relationships. They have printed on their forehead, “I’ll 
never do anything or say anything to hurt your feelings.” And they’re 
so sensitive that they become very stubborn if they’re offended. So, 
again, if you’re married to a Golden Retriever man, they don’t like to 
take control, they don’t like to be assertive, they don’t like to even 
volunteer for stuff, because they might be doing it wrong. They’re 
really sensitive.  
 
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It’s extremely important for you to know your personality and your 
husband’s personality. 
 
The last one is called the beaver. These are the perfectionist people, 
the people that build their little areas perfectly. You know, these are 
the engineers and the accountants. They like everything done just 
right. So, if you’re married to one of those people, they will help you, 
but they’re going to do it their way, and they’re not going to do it on 
your schedule. They’re going to do it when they want, but when they 
do it, they’re going to go all out, and be irritated with you that you’re 
not helping them. 
  
So, it’s so important to become aware of these personalities. If you’re 
a beaver, you’re going to be irritated at your husband all the time, 
because they never do it right. They never put the dishes in the 
dishwasher right. There are so many problems if you’re a beaver.  
 
But you can understand your personalities—just by understanding 
them brings so much harmony to couples that we have found. 
 
So, that’s the first thing. The second area is for you to motivate your 
husband with something we call emotional word pictures. Emotional 
word pictures are something that touches his emotions. It’s something 
you say, where he feels it and then gets motivated.  
 
Let’s say he’s a cook at a restaurant, and you say to him, “Honey, 
when you don’t help me around the house, then what I feel is that 
customers are slopping their stuff all over the floors, because it’s a fast 
food place, and even though it says, ‘Please help us by putting your 
things in the container,’ they never help. As an employee, you know 
how discouraged everybody gets at the restaurant. That’s me. I get 
really discouraged when this place is a mess, and you don’t kick in.” 
 
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So, if he could feel it and sense it, I know word pictures really help. I 
have an entire book on word pictures with 300 examples. It’s called 
The Language of Love. I know that word pictures and understanding 
personalities really help you. I know if you try them, you will see 
miracles with them. 
 
 
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