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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
Why does my husband check out other women? 
 
Answer:   
 
So, your husband notices a few girls when you’re together, whether 
you’re on the beach or the mall or, actually, almost anywhere, even on 
TV. Well, actually join the group of billions of other wives around the 
world, because almost every man, who’s warm and breathing stares at 
other women from time to time.  
 
Now, have you ever poked him and said, “I saw you looking at her!” 
“Nah, I wasn’t looking at her.” Well, he’s lying if he says, “Nah, I 
wasn’t looking at her.” Here’s basically the situation with men—and if 
he’s watching this, this will be good for him—but, there are several 
reasons why men gawk. One is that we’re loaded with testosterone.  
 
Okay, this will be good for your husband, encourage him to do this. Go 
to your doctor, and in two hours you can find out what his level is of 
testosterone is flowing throughout the blood of his body, okay? If it’s 
somewhere around 3.5, he’s rarely going to notice any other women. 
If it’s 12, then he’s going to notice almost every woman.  
 
And he’s going to come home every night and try to carry you upstairs 
and be involved with you sexually. That’s pretty common with high 
testosterone-loaded men. That’s one reason—doesn’t mean that that’s 
the only reason—but it is a factor. 
 
Number two, major reason: In our society, we men grew up in a world 
where sex is displayed when you buy a car, or toothpaste, or anything. 
 
 
This generation sees these subtle commercials continually—and it’s 
usually a barely-dressed woman advertising whatever that is. I think 
that we see sky-diving and car racing and great places to eat and 
exotic places to stay, and just think of all the things we see that are 
available to us on this earth through television and billboards and 
conversations that we have with one another.  
 
The key is that when you grow up believing, I’m going to put my heart 
back up here, because this is the limbic area of the brain, but it could 
be every cell of our body—there are biologists who feel like it’s 
everywhere—but, wherever the heart is, you know, “I love you with all 
my heart,” you know what I’m talking about, it’s not “I love you with 
all my brain,” and so, our heart appears to be holding our beliefs.  
 
So, as a young man growing up in this world, what happens is that we 
form a belief in our heart that pleasure and excitement and fun and 
thrills, these are what life is. This is normal behavior. It’s a deep-
seated belief that we have. What’s the most exciting, pleasurable, 
enjoyable activity for the average man? Sex. I discovered it at five 
years of age. But, a man can discover it at any age.  
 
As soon as you discover it, you realize that this is pretty pleasurable, 
pretty enjoyable. So, if life is pleasure, it ought to include sex. And so, 
since I have that belief, what I believe determines what I think, what I 
say, and what I do. 
 
So, if I have that big honking belief in my heart that life is pleasure, 
when I’m walking down the street with you or the mall or the beach or 
whatever, and I see a woman that’s beautiful, that looks like she 
would be pleasurable, I’m going to get tempted. I’m going to watch—
my neck’s going to bend all the way around.  
 
And so, for me, the greatest truth that I ever learned in my entire life 
is that I am free to change my beliefs. And when I change them, it 
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changes my thoughts. And so a year ago I actually saw my own heart 
filled with a different belief than hedonism—the actual opposite of 
love—and I’ve stopped lusting. 
 
That’s explains you why a man would lust. He’s not doing it on 
purpose, just to hurt you or anything like that. He’s doing it because 
it’s probably a reflection of the belief in his heart, and it’s probably 
because of the testosterone flowing through his body. Now, if he wants 
help, he can click on this very channel, and ask himself the question, 
“How do I get free from lust?” 
 
I also know though that this is hurtful to you and it offends you. So, 
it’s very appropriate for you to say to him that it does bother you that 
he’s looking at these other girls from time to time, especially when 
he’s with you. But, let me give you another secret in this: I found that 
even with my own wife—we’ve been married probably twenty years—
and our relationship became so close and so bonded, and I had 
actually made a decision as a husband to tell her that she was more 
important than anybody else in this world, anything else in this world, 
that’s she’s number one. I really set out to have that kind of 
relationship with her.  
 
You know what she said to me one time? About twenty years in the 
marriage, she said, “You know, it doesn’t even bother anymore that 
you look at other women.” And I said, “It doesn’t? How come?” And 
she said, “I feel that you’re so in love with me, and our relationship is 
so strong that I feel safe with you. And I know that it’s pretty natural 
for men to do this. But it doesn’t affect how secure I feel with you like 
it used to.” 
 
So, part of what you can work on as a wife is your own relationship 
with him, because the tighter that gets and the more bonded you are, 
the less that’s going to bother you. So, if he was a wise husband, he’d 
say, “Why does it bother you?” And if you were open and honest with 
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him, and you could be—which I know sometimes we aren’t—but if you 
could be, you could say, “I don’t feel secure with you, in fact it brings 
out the insecure feeling in me, and it’s offensive, and I just don’t 
appreciate it.”  
 
And if he was wise he’d say, “Honey, I’m sorry, let me work on that 
because it’s something I need to change in my own life—but it’s so 
automatic—but I will work on it because I love you and I appreciate 
you and I want this for you. And so you’re going to know that I am 
working on it.” 
 
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