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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do I change my spouse, who doesn't want to change? 
 
Answer:  
 
So, you’re having a hard time changing your spouse. Well, join the 
group. Every spouse I know tries to change their spouse. It’s just 
common. But here’s what our own research reveals: you can’t change 
your spouse.  
 
In fact, if you go straight at a person and criticize them, condemn 
them, it doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is two reasons. The 
first reason is that it creates an unsafe place for your mate, and it 
immediately begins to weaken the love between the two of you, the 
bond, the connection. Because, you only stay connected, relationally, 
to people you feel safe with. And so, if you start criticizing someone, 
they feel unsafe.  
 
And then secondly, it doesn’t work, anyway. It’s never worked. In fact, 
just ask yourself, “How many times have you tried to change your 
mate?” It never works!  
 
Every time I try—here. Gut level. Thirty-eight years, I tried to change 
my wife’s eating habits and exercise. I wanted her to join me. I 
wanted her to live a long life together with me. Every time I brought 
up exercising, we had an argument. And I’d say, “Oh! I didn’t do it 
right. I’ll get more research,” or, “I’ll figure out a better way to say it.” 
Nah. I’m done with that. Four years ago, ladies and gentlemen, four 
years ago, I stopped because I was told by researchers that it doesn’t 
work. It makes it worse! 
 
 
 
So, what I did was I asked her to dinner, I had a little gift I wanted to 
give her, and I asked her during the dinner if she would forgive me for 
all the times I tried to change her and criticize her, you know, judged 
her, you name it. I did that so many times, just like so many of us do, 
and it never worked. And she said, “Yes, I forgive her,” but you could 
tell it wasn’t really enthusiastic. Here’s what I said to her, “Never again 
will I do this. Never again am I going to try to change you. I’m done. I 
want you to know that I’m going to work on me. I’m only going to 
work on the beliefs I have in my own heart, because I know that my 
beliefs determine how happy I am. It’s not somebody changing or 
somebody becoming better, or the weather—it’s what I believe that 
determines how happy I am and the quality of my life.” 
 
It’s amazing to me. Four years later, my wife—loves Oprah, and so 
she’s got the staff involved with the Oprah diet, and she’s exercising 
every day. I was with her two or three weeks ago, we were walking in 
this mall area, and she kind of winced, and I went, “Oh, is your knee 
OK?” She said, “It’s kind of hurting today.” I said, “Hey, why don’t we 
just rest here for a minute.” She said, “No, I’m walking. I don’t have 
my time in yet.” I said, “Are you sure?” and she said, “Hey, I told my 
knee yesterday, ‘I don’t care if you hurt. I’m exercising every day, and 
if I have to, I will drag you down the road.’” And I went, “Whoa!” to 
myself. I thought, “This is amazing. Four years ago, we were in an 
argument if I even mentioned it. Here she is.”  
 
I have found that one of the greatest ways to influence change in your 
mate is for them to see you changing. They have to have a model of 
somebody who changes, so that they can see the change! 
 
So, what I have really done—see this lock here? I’ve really put a lock 
on my lip from criticizing her anymore, from judging her, condemning 
her. It doesn’t work. But when I stopped and became the example, I 
saw that had more influence than anything I’ve ever done. 
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