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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do we establish boundaries with our in-laws? 
 
Answer: 
 
DR. GARY ROSBERG: The in-law question, Barb. This is a good one. 
 
BARBARA ROSBERG: It’s a great one. Because all of us want to be 
known as great in-laws, in love, and not out-laws. 
 
GARY: Now, when our kids got married, one of the things that we did 
was we sat down with them, and we said, “You know, there’s some 
age-old wisdom that says, ‘when a man gets married, he leaves his 
mom and dad, he cleaves to his wife, and they become one.’” (Mark 
10:7-8). And so, we knew from the beginning that we had to let go of 
them. We love them. And, sometimes it feels like a cruel joke, because 
you care about your kids; you love your kids. But, if that couple is 
going to grow and become intimate and guard the heart of their 
marriage, then they’ve got to set up boundaries with us, the in-laws.  
 
BARBARA: That’s right. I’m so close to each of our daughters.  One 
thing we agreed upon when they were engaged with their husbands: 
don’t phone home when you have a fight with your mate. Don’t call 
your mom. Don’t call and cry. In fact, don’t ever come home. You 
aren’t allowed to come home unless you bring your husband home 
with you.  Because, eventually, when we take those skills of learning 
to understand, to work through the differences, and find the gift on 
the other side of the conflict, we want to make sure you experience 
the gift. Whereas, a lot of in-laws, mother and father-in-laws can 
 
experience a grudge, if they get in the middle of your conflict. So, 
leave your parents out of it. Number one. 
 
Number two: if your mother or your father-in-law ask questions that 
are maybe not their business, and they’re talking about how you raise 
your kids; how you spend your money; decisions you’re making. In 
love, in tenderness, just say, “You know, I respect your opinion, and 
you and dad have been down the road so far, and that’s very 
important to us. But, because we’re newlyweds, we want to grow in 
this decision-making together. We’re going to talk it through, and we 
thank you for your advice, but we’ll let you know how we do in making 
this decision.” 
 
GARY: You know, another thing that I tell my sons-in-law, is that, “You 
know what, guys? You can trust me on this one. I mean, I love my 
daughters, and my daughters have come to me for years for advice.  
But, since they’ve been married, I will go to them and say; ‘You know 
what, sweetheart? I love you and I care about you, and I’d love to 
respond to that question, but why don’t you go get your husband, 
bring him over, and if he’s got the question, you guys can ask it 
together.’” Now, that’s not because I’m trying to blow off my 
daughters. What I am trying to do is create security for my sons-in-
law, so they know that I am for their marriage, that it is boundaried. 
And, that it’s appropriate. Bottom line is, we all want to be in-laws. We 
don’t want to become out-laws. And so, we would encourage you, set 
up those boundaries. Affirm your marriage. Let the in-laws know that 
you’re crazy about them, but they need to really respect the 
boundaries that you have established. 
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