To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 
iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
My husband and I are divorced. How do we minimize damage to the 
kids? 
 
Answer:   
 
Guess what? You didn’t make it in this relationship as husband and 
wife, so one of you left, and now one of you has the children most of 
the time. And now you have the visitation rights set up. So, you still 
see each other. You still call. There’s still relatives. There’s still 
Christmas. There’s all the holidays. There’s all the related things to a 
family that you still have to face. 
 
So, just because you didn’t have a lasting relationship initially, and it 
ended in divorce, doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to learn what 
makes a real relationship work now that you’re divorced. So, you’re 
not released of the responsibility to have a good relationship. So, 
we’re not going to say marriage, we’re just going to say relationship.  
 
Now, here’s the reason: the research is now showing that the most 
damage to children occurs by the continual bickering and fighting of 
mom and dad after divorce. Now, the damage was there before 
divorce, because the bickering was continuing without any 
understanding of how you resolve those differences.  
 
But, there are ways of resolving differences even now that you’re 
divorced. Because you’ve got visitation. You’ve got change of plans. 
You have to negotiate from time to time. You’ve got money. You’ve 
got child support. You’ve got spousal support issues. You’ve got all 
kinds of legal things that you’re now involved in. Plus, possibly both of 
 
 
you have different mates, and so now you’ve got another whole new 
family and set of relatives.  
 
And so, I know that when I’ve talked to couples that have blended 
families, there are an enormous number of new problems and issues 
that you have to face today, and solve, that you didn’t solve when you 
were together, and so therefore you separated.  
 
Well, here’s the key: the continual bickering is what ruins the kids. If 
they don’t see mom and dad in some level of harmony, that will 
continue to melt away at their own hearts and their own ability to have 
their own marriage some day.  
 
Here’s what the research shows: if you come from a divorced home 
and you grow up and then you marry, your chances of staying married 
are 80% more likely of a divorce if you never resolve the anger stored 
up in your heart.  
 
See, kids get really angry at either the one that stayed, or the one 
who left. Can you imagine the little girl ten years of age, doesn’t know 
anything about mom and dad divorcing. She comes home from school 
and Dad’s not there, or he is there and he has a little talk with her. 
Takes her out to McDonald’s and says, “It’s a big people problem. 
Mommy and Daddy can’t get along, so I’m actually going to move 
out.” Do you know what that does to a little kid? It devastates them.  
 
It’s the worst pain. Like 35 years of pain. That’s what you’re doing to 
them. You have to recognize that you have inflicted damage on the 
child just by the divorce. So, you need to be responsible to correct as 
much of that damage as you can. One of the ways you do it is to learn 
how to communicate with their mom or their dad. The two former 
spouses still need to communicate in a way that is as harmonious as 
possible. 
 
Page -2- 
 
 
Here’s what I would recommend: there’s an outstanding method of 
communication that has literally saved my neck, and my wife’s neck, 
in our relationship and our marriage. It’s called “win-win.” When you 
agree together to communicate like this you’re both going to have 
your opinions about every problem you go through. But, if you will say 
to one another, “Even though we’re separated, from now on when we 
talk and when we disagree, instead of bickering in front of the kids, 
why don’t we show them, why don’t we model to them, that we are 
attempting to learn how to communicate our differences and come to 
conclusions that are a win for both of us, so our kids can see that we 
can resolve things without continually bickering?” 
 
Here’s how that happens. This is really simple. If you can order a 
hamburger, fries and a Coke at McDonald’s, you can do this method. 
That’s how simple is. Don’t try and make it complicated. All you do is, 
one of you is the employer, and one of you is the customer. And you 
just agree to divide up your discussions like this.  
 
And so, one of you is the customer. You simply share, when you have 
a disagreement, what your feelings are, and what your thinking is, and 
what your needs are, related to your argument on your side of the 
deal, whatever it is.  
 
If the other person, the employer, the person that is sitting there 
taking the order at McDonald’s, if you would just listen to the order 
and understand them, that’s all it is, just listen. Understand their 
thinking, their reasoning, their needs and their feelings, those three 
things are so powerful, that if you’ll just listen, don’t argue, let your 
kids see that you’re just listening.  
 
Once you both have a chance, then you switch, then the other person 
shares their thinking, their feelings and their needs. Your job is to 
understand. That’s it.  
 
Page -3- 
 
 
Here’s the miracle of this communication method: once you both really 
understand each other and value each other’s differences, you’re 
never going to be the same, because you didn’t make it in the first 
place. And so, you’re not going to have the same opinions, that’s okay, 
but just value their thinking, their feelings, and their needs related to 
the conflict, and then the other person values their former spouse’s 
feelings, thinking and needs 
 
You know what’s amazing? A solution will come to one of your minds, 
either right there, or a few hours later, or a few days later. Let your 
kids see you say, “Dad and I are talking this over,” for the sake of 
looking for a solution that you both love. Since you both understand 
each other, coming up with a solution is so miraculously easy. If you 
would have communicated that way before you divorced, it would have 
been amazing how much more harmony you would have had. But, you 
can still do it!  
 
So, I highly encourage you, for the sake of the kids, and for the sake 
of your own life, and decreasing the pain that you’re going to 
experience from the divorce, let me encourage you to take the time to 
learn this method. 
 
Page -4- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.