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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
I've been married for three months to a man I love with all my heart. 
We met and dated online. Now, we have trouble talking and end up 
fighting. 
 
Answer:  
 
Well, it’s really not what happened after you married. It’s what 
happened before you were married. Number one, you violated a few 
principles I feel real strongly about. You know, if you’re going to date, 
you need to date face-to-face. A lot of people do online dating today. 
I’m even part of an online dating service. I’m not trying to put those 
things down. I’m just saying that you need to be in the same town, 
dating for at least a two-year period.  And let me tell you why I say 
that. You have to date in the same town, because if it’s long-term 
dating, where you see each other once in a while, on a weekend and 
all that, you can hide every addiction known to mankind in that 
relationship. You don’t really thoroughly date that other person. So, 
it’s really important that you have a long period of time to test this 
relationship out.  
 
Now, testing out—I’m not talking about living together. That’s the 
heaviest dating known to mankind. But unfortunately, even in living-
together situations, you don’t really take the masks off. People always 
say, “What’s a piece of paper?” A piece of paper [marriage certificate] 
is a lot. It’s your best protection, quite frankly, particularly if you’re a 
woman in our society today. 
 
You’re reminiscent of a lot of people who meet online. And you talk, 
and, you know, all of sudden you’ve got somebody who cares about 
 
you. Take a look at your life. Who dumped you previously? Who 
dumped him? See, I think what happens to people—ah, we’re almost 
like adolescents. We’re as vulnerable as a 15-year-old; where you 
come out of lousy marriage, out of a lousy long-term relationship, and 
all of a sudden somebody likes you, and you fall in need.  
 
Notice I’m not saying that you fall in love. You use the term love. I 
think you fell in need. I think you had a need for somebody to like you, 
and approve of you, and affirm you, and there he is. So, now you get 
married. There’s a huge jump there in logic. I’ve already stated you 
need to date for a long period of time. That’s what makes the 
difference.  So, now, you find yourself fighting. What’s happening is 
you’re finding out that you didn’t lay the foundation that you need in 
the relationship. And, that’s why you’re fighting. And my guess is that 
you’re in for a long, rough road. This is a situation where, yes, I’d sit 
down with a counselor and try to make some headway here, because 
you are married. You want to do everything you can to save this 
marriage. I’m not one that says, “Hey, this guy’s imperfect. Dump the 
chump.” We’re all imperfect. But if there’s a way of working this out, 
do so. 
 
Let me give you a tip for finding a counselor. Find somebody who 
wants to get rid of you. Don’t look for somebody who has the sixty 
easy payment plan and you need therapy for four or five years, 
because, in all probability, you don’t need it. What you need is 
somebody to work with you practically; give you some ideas about 
how to tune into each other; how to be respectful to each other. You’re 
a couple that needs to sit down and talk; which means, you talk to 
your husband. Your husband, then; after you’ve stopped talking; tells 
you what he thinks he heard you say. Got it? Now, if he didn’t get it 
right, when he’s done talking, then you clarify: “No, that’s not exactly 
what I meant.” One person talking at a time.  
 
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A great place to do that, by the way, is in a bathtub, with no barriers 
between the two of you. Now, if you’re built like me, a bullfrog on the 
side of a pond, or maybe you’ve got a few bucks in your pocket; 
you’ve got a Jacuzzi, all the better. The point is to find a place where 
you can talk eyeball to eyeball, without interference and in a respectful 
way. If you do that, you might learn what most couples never learn to 
do, and that is to communicate in a respectful and loving way. And, 
you might be in for the surprise of your life, that maybe, just maybe, 
this man you dated on the internet, met on the internet, is really the 
man of your dreams.  
 
 
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