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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
My wife says that our communication is not satisfying, what do I do? 
 
Answer:  
 
So, she doesn’t think you communicate very well. Well, join another 
billion men around the world, because most men really don’t know the 
levels of communication and what really is satisfying in 
communication.  
 
So, let me go through six levels of communication, and you can tell me 
which ones you’ve touched on in your marriage. But if you go all the 
way to the sixth level and go there regularly—ew!—watch how your 
wife’s going to say, “Thank you, Honey. Have you changed or what?” 
In fact, you know what? This really turns a woman on sexually when 
you get to the sixth level, and stay there regularly. All right? 
 
OK. Here are the levels. See where you are in your marriage or in your 
friendships. 
 
Level number one: The least satisfying level of communication is 
cliques—meaningless words. “Pass the pepper,” you know, or, “Yeah, 
I’m fine,” you know. “What was your day like?” “Ah, I’m fine. 
Whatever.” And so, it’s just real low level, no conflict at that level at 
all. That’s the lowest level of satisfaction. 
 
Level number two: We’re moving down deeper into communication—
sharing facts with one another. “What happened to the President 
today?” you know, “What happened in the weather?” “Oh, did you hear 
about that tragedy over in Africa?” You know, just sharing facts. Most 
 
people don’t get into big arguments, but you can. But it’s just sort of 
weak level. But do you know what? A lot of couples stay on levels one 
and two, and then their communication is never satisfying and they 
don’t know why. That’s because they’re not moving closer to the sixth 
level. 
 
Level number three is when you share your opinions with each other. 
Well, most husband and wives and friends have a different opinion 
about everything, because of how we were raised, our own beliefs, a 
million reasons, personalities. But here’s the key—at the third level of 
opinions, you have most of your arguments. Just remember that all 
arguments that are in level three are designed for you to go deeper in 
your relationship—deeper love. Do you know that all verbal fights are 
all doorways to deeper intimacy? The reason being, arguments almost 
take you to the last three levels of deep communication, deep 
friendship.  
 
And so, when you have a disagreement, what you want to do is move 
to the fourth level, which is “what does a person feel about this 
argument?” Any time you start sharing your deep feelings—extremely 
important guys—don’t even worry about it. Don’t say, “Eh, I don’t like 
talking about my feelings.” Most guys aren’t in touch with their 
feelings anyway, so you have to get help from your wife even to know 
how you feel. But the better you get at sharing your feelings—you 
know, “I feel sad,” or “I feel discouraged,” or “I feel fearful,” or “I feel 
lonely,” or whatever your feeling—you try to become in touch with it 
and share it with your wife. This is like pouring warm oil on her life, 
and this is why it causes her to feel so pleasant with you, and actually, 
most—a lot of women, wives, will respond to you sexually with you 
right at that level. It’s just amazing what that does. 
 
Level number five is when you share your needs. “Honey, you know 
what I really need in my life? I need,” you know, whatever you need in 
communication. But whatever you need mentally, and educationally, 
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and physically, and whatever your own personal needs are, personal 
needs really help a couple or friends go deeper into their relationship. 
And when you do that, it’s just amazing the feeling your wife has, 
because she really feels connected to you, close to you, and you feel 
closer to her. 
 
And the sixth level, which is really, really important, is when you take 
your relationship to your mate’s beliefs, your beliefs, your mate’s 
beliefs—when you start uncovering and discovering, “What do you 
believe about life?” “What do you believe about God?” “What do you 
believe about food?” “What do you believe about your job?” “What do 
you believe about your future?” “What do you believe about your 
past?” 
 
You know, you’ve got hundreds of beliefs in your heart. And the 
deepest love—ever heard someone say, “I love you with all my heart”? 
That’s, “I love you with, I believe, everything about me cherishes you. 
I crave you.” That’s what love really is. “I crave to be with you. I crave 
to serve you. I crave to want to know you. I’m fascinated by you.” But 
that’s a belief you have, and, when you share your belief, that’s the 
deepest level of communication. And when your wife is hearing your 
beliefs, and you’re hearing hers, she’s going to lie in bed at night and 
just go, “Woo, do I like this guy or what? I wonder when the next 
time’s he going to touch me, so we can be sexually involved?” Watch 
what happens. Trust me it works. 
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