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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
My wife had an affair. Why? 
 
Answer:   
 
I can only imagine the pain you feel right now. I don’t know how long 
ago you heard that she had this affair. Maybe she’s moved out. Maybe 
she has a boyfriend. Maybe this person is very serious about going 
away with her. You’re all confused. You don’t know why she did it. You 
don’t know what the future is. You have children. Maybe you haven’t 
been married that long. It’s so confusing to you.  
 
So, there’s the pain. It’s embarrassing. “What does she see in another 
man that I didn’t provide for her?” You’re angry. “How could she do 
this and to the kids, and to the relatives, to God?” You’re mad about 
everything. 
 
But your question is: How do you get her back? How do you win her 
back? What do you have to do now? What do you to have to go 
through? You’re going to have to go through weeks, maybe months of 
grief. You’re going to feel terrible. You’re going to compare yourself to 
this guy—you probably know who he is. It’s just so humiliating.  
 
You’re going to want to ask her questions about what she did. How 
many times did she do it? Those are questions you do not want to ask 
her. Do not quiz her on her experience, if she’s feeling grieved about 
it, upset about it, realizing she shouldn’t have done it. 
 
It was a weak moment for her, a weak day, a weak month, whatever it 
was—but she did it. But she’s sorry for it. But she really wants to come 
 
back to you? That would be one of the easiest things in the world for 
you to solve.  
 
First, ask yourself, why would she do something like this? Number 
one, she may or may not have felt safe with you. Safety is the key to 
all great relationships. Safety is when you feel free from being 
criticized, judged, blamed, and pointing of the finger. You probably 
said to her, “If you would change this, if you would stop doing that, 
you nag me all the time, you’re on my case, you criticize me.”  
 
Anytime you blame her, criticize her, or judge her, or condemn her, 
she feels unsafe. When you feel unsafe with someone you naturally 
disconnect and you pull away from the person. Since God has 
designed us with the limbic part of our brain, that’s genetically 
structured to seek connection with other human beings, your wife was 
trying to get that with you—a bonded, emotional connection, which is 
genetic.  
 
But, you weren’t providing safety, so she couldn’t connect. So, she 
disconnected, so now you’ve left her with a vacuum. So, what is she 
going to do? She’s at work. She’s playing somewhere. She’s got the 
kids somewhere. Some guy’s kind to her. He seems safe. He befriends 
her. And when you befriend someone when you’re safe, they open 
their heart. They get a best friendship thing going. Pretty soon you 
have physical connection—an affair.  
 
So, if that’s the case, ask her—again, we’ll go back to the three golden 
questions. 
 
Number one: “Zero to ten, what kind of relationship do we have?” 
Zero, rotten, ten, great. Let’s say she says a two. Maybe she was so 
afraid—maybe you’re one of those kind of husbands that’s really 
controlling and powerful, and you’re “the boss,” or you think you are.  
 
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There are a lot of husbands who hate the whole idea of their wife 
having any say or control over them. So, they end up being the boss 
over their home. That’s so unsafe. And, oftentimes it causes a woman 
to disconnect.  
 
If that’s the case, let her say it to you. Give her the freedom—if you 
want to win her back, you’ve got to give her the freedom to say 
anything she’s feeling. You know what else? It’s very important, 
because it will come out in your eyes and your facial expression and 
your tone of voice, if you feel superior to her right now.  
 
You feel like, “Well, I’m not as bad as she is. She’s the greater sinner.” 
If you feel superior, you’re really mistaken. Because, treating her the 
way you did before the affair was just as bad as the affair. As soon as 
you understand this it will grieve your heart. If she could see tears in 
your heart for how you treated her before she had the affair, she’s 
going to melt in your arms, I’m telling you.  
 
If you could be tender with her—and you will be more tender when 
you realize how wrong you’ve been—if you could be understanding, if 
you could move to the second golden question: “Where are we today 
in our relationship, zero to ten? Where are we, and where would you 
like our relationship to be?”  
 
If she actually felt safe enough with you—you’ve really got to work on 
the safety thing—if she feels safe to answer those questions, “I think 
our relationship is a four or a three or a two,” or whatever it is, the 
golden, golden, golden question is, number three, “What would it take 
over the next several weeks or months or years to move it up closer to 
ten? Where would you like it to be?”  
 
And if she said, “I’d love it to be, I’ve always wanted it to be, an eight. 
But I never felt like it could be there. And I met Sam at the office, and 
he’s so kind to me and listens to me, and I just fell into his arms.” Can 
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I just say that’s pretty typical? It’s not right, I mean, she shouldn’t be 
doing that, I’m not going to excuse her behavior. But when you don’t 
give this to a woman, it’s amazing how easy it is for her to be more 
tempted.  
 
Over on the other hand, if she feels safe with you, loved by you, 
touched by you gently, listened to by you—that’ll start melting her 
heart. And, I don’t care what that guy is like—I don’t trust him 
anyway, whoever she had the affair with. He’s not going to win up 
against you, if you begin to do these things that I’m saying.  
 
I’m not going to excuse her. But, I’m saying that if you want to win 
her back, you need to work on you. And you can find that out from 
her. 
 
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