To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
My husband has had an affair, and I'm afraid I might contract a 
sexually transmitted disease from him. Where do we go from here, 
and is there hope for our future? 
 
Answer:  
 
Well, the first thing that you’re going to do, I hope, is to do nothing. 
You’re not going to overreact. You’re not going to commit hari-kari. 
And you’re not going to talk about this to anybody. You’re just going 
to think things through. Hopefully, that’s why you’ve asked this 
question. You need some quick help. 
 
The very first thing I’m going to tell you to do is to not have sex with 
your husband, from this day forward. You have absolutely no idea who 
that woman is; how many sexual partners she had. Let me dramatize 
what happens in sexual relationships. There you are, husband and 
wife. You were virgins when you were married. You’ve only had sex 
with each other. What’s the probability of getting an STD, a sexually-
transmitted disease? Zip. Zero. Nada. 
 
Now, let’s move down to twelve. “Twelve? There’s people who have 
had twelve partners?” Hey, twelve’s a slow number in today’s society, 
where people have all kinds of one-night-stands. But, let me tell you 
what the statisticians tell us. Here you are; one partner had twelve 
other sexual experiences with twelve different people. The other 
partner had twelve sexual experiences with another person. They 
come together. How many people have you just slept with? 4,062. 
 
 
That’s what happens. So, you have no idea how many people this 
woman your husband had an affair with, has hooked up with in her 
lifetime. That’s why I say, the number one suggestion is you have no 
sex with your husband. Period. This is the defining moment in your 
marriage, and he needs to take responsibility for this and end the 
affair. Beyond that, you’ve got a lot of work to do as a couple, because 
if you’re ever going to restore this marriage, it’s going to take some 
time and probably the help of an outside person.  
 
We live in an era where, you know, it’s really sort of cool that if you 
tear a fabric or a piece of clothing or something, you can go and get 
something and restore that. And to the naked eye, it’s completely 
restored. Well, so it is with affairs. Try holding that cloth up to the 
light. What do you see? You see the damage that was done. To the 
naked eye, everything’s patched up. 
 
It’s a little bit like eating a pizza on a Saturday night, and three hours 
after you’ve had the pizza, you can still taste it. It comes up. And 
that’s how devastating affairs can be. 
 
So, this is a critical time in your life. A time for you to step back and 
ask yourself, “Am I a part of the solution? Or am I a part of the 
problem?” Just how active was your sex life? 
 
You know, people choose to have affairs. They don’t just happen. I 
don’t want to put a guilt trip on anybody. I’m telling you this I think, 
on good authority, if you don’t have a love affair with your husband, if 
you don’t have a love affair with your wife, somebody else is going to 
do it. And that’s what the research bears out. That’s why a good, 
healthy, communicative sexual life is important and vital in a marriage 
today.  
 
So, you need to get yourself some counseling, for sure. You need to 
get some counseling for yourself and your husband. If this is a work 
Leman -2- 
 
situation, where your husband had an affair with someone he works 
with, the first thing I would suggest, if I’m the counselor is, “Hey, 
Charlie. You quit your job.”  “I can’t quit my job. Are you kidding? If I 
quit my job, I’d lose $24,000 right off the bat. I couldn’t duplicate that 
job in my town.” “Just how much worth does your wife have? Just how 
much worth does your marriage have?” 
 
See, you don’t have a choice here, because you have to make the sale 
with your wife. Your wife has to feel like you’ve changed, you’ve 
repented, and you’ve come to her and said, “Honey, will you forgive 
me?”  
 
I’m here to tell you, I’ve been a part of putting a lot of marriages 
together, where there have been affairs. And through the grace of 
God, they’ve been able to forgive each other and move along. But, do 
you ever forget? No. In fact, do you know what I tell people about 
forgiveness? When you forgive, don’t forgive and forget. Don’t even 
try. It doesn’t work. Forgive and remember. Remember where you 
were.  
 
It’s sort of like playing golf. Have you ever hit a great shot at the golf 
course, and you go out to where the ball is, and you look back to the 
tee? It looks farther doesn’t it? And you say, “Wow! I hit it that far!” I 
think sometimes when you go through the agony of divorce and that 
immense pain, it’s healthy to look back and see where you once were, 
and see that through God’s grace and through forgiveness, and you’ve 
been able to get over some things.  
 
But let me tell you again. Underscore. Affairs don’t just happen. There 
are reasons for them. They meet a need, and it usually speaks of an 
indirect or a direct need in the marriage that hasn’t been met by the 
other person.  
 
 
So, in essence, both of us as a couple are accountable, and in some 
way contributed to that husband or that wife having an affair. I hope 
you’re long on patience, and I hope you’re long on forgiveness. Ask for 
God’s help. This is one of those supernatural things, because every 
time you look at that man, you’re going to think of that woman. That’s 
a tough thing. It’s like that pizza on a Saturday night.  It keeps coming 
back. You’re going to have to pray that prayer, “O Lord, the Creator of 
the universe, I need Your help on this one, because I find this so hard. 
And it hurts so much. But I want my marriage to work.” And then work 
on being thoroughly married. Be jealous of the time you have with 
your husband. Make the kids the right priority: number two. Make that 
husband, make that wife: number one.  
 
You’re imperfect. Hey, you want some encouragement? King David. 
The baby of the family, I’d have to tell you that as the author of the 
birth order book. Let me tell you what happened to King David. He’s 
out one day with his Coppertone on, and he’s sunning himself at his 
castle. He looks across the way, and he sees this good-looking chick. 
He goes in, gets some binoculars, scopes her out, and says, “Man, that 
is a woman!”  
 
Maybe some of you know the rest of the story. He gets it on with her. 
The problem is: she’s married. She takes care of the husband, sends 
him off, he gets killed, and he’s taken care of. King David. A man after 
God’s own heart. If Almighty God can forgive King David, and he did 
worse than your husband, you can learn to forgive your husband, as 
God surely will. 
 
Good luck. Hang in there. Don’t give up. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Leman -4- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.