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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I am tired of being negative and critical of people. How do I change? 
 
Answer:  
 
So, you want to stop criticizing and complaining. You know what’s 
amazing? When we criticize, really what we’re doing is we want the 
other person or the situation we’re in to change. It’s not comfortable, 
or we think it’s harming us in some way. In fact, we think their words, 
or their actions, or what’s going on with the weather is “bad for us.” 
 
That’s a belief in our heart. Do you realize that every belief you have 
in your heart is what determines what you think and say and do? And 
so, if you think critical thoughts, it’s coming out of a belief that you 
think that other people affect how I’m feeling. Other things affect me, 
and so I can blame you and say, “Please change,” and I’m critical of 
you. I want you to change.  
 
Bah. It has nothing to do with them. The amazing thing is, it has 
everything to do with your own belief.  
 
Here’s a common belief that humans have: we believe, as we’re 
growing up, that when bad things happen to us—like somebody says 
something that hurts us, and we’re critical of them, or they’re 
gossipers, or the boss has done something, or my former mate has 
done something, or my kids have done something—we have learned, 
and believe in our heart, that that’s a bad thing. “I don’t like trials 
because they’re going to hurt me. I’m not going to be as happy.” Nah. 
All you have to do is isolate what you believe—and that’s a pretty 
simple one there, because you believe that trials are bad—and how to 
 
 
change that belief, and once it gets to a different belief, you stop 
criticizing automatically. That’s what is amazing about this.  
 
For example, starting about three years ago, I started memorizing a 
few words that are really truth about life. For example, when I get hit 
with a trial—it’s like a trophy in a lot of ways, trials are—I’m grateful. I 
actually give thanks, because with every trial, I get three things. I get 
more endurance, I get more character—a God-kind of character, and a 
loving-kind of character. If you think of every trial as a trophy, it’s got 
a stamp on the bottom of it. Every trial actually stamps my heart, and 
it stamps it a little harder each time, and after a while that stamp 
stays, and I recognize that I get hope, because I’ve said that in my 
mind a million times. Hope is never disappointed, because God 
actually sheds His love by His Spirit into my heart through every trial.  
 
Just like you, I wake up many times early in the morning—5:00, or 
whatever—and my stomach tightens up with worry, or I’m anxious 
about something or I’m stressed about something. I love it, that 
immediately to my mind comes the truth, the reality, that this trial I’m 
worrying about, or whatever it is, might not even be a trial yet, but 
whatever it is, I recognize that it’s a trophy to me. It’s actually giving 
me more the kind of character I want, and so, I actually thank God 
right on the spot. I say, “God, thank You that this may happen today,” 
or, “Thank You that it is happening.” 
 
Here’s what is exciting about this: you don’t have to feel thankful to 
give thanks. What I know is that our emotions are only data telling us 
what we’ve been thinking, been saying, been doing in the last few 
hours or minutes. So, I actually don’t even worry about my emotions.  
 
I love my emotions, if they’re sad or happy or whatever they are, 
because what they are is reflections of what I’ve been thinking, 
primarily. And so, I know that my beliefs determine my thoughts.  
 
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So, I just start saying, “God, thank You that I’m in the middle of this 
trial.” It might be a big one! Like, recently I heard that somebody’s 
going to build a five-story condo right next to my home. I have to be 
truthful with you, I knew it was going to devalue my home, and my 
wife was upset, and so on. I know those, just like you do, and I 
actually do what’s right and truthful as soon as I start worrying, 
because I manage my emotions. Sometimes within fifteen minutes, 
sometimes within a half hour, sometimes within an hour, I am just 
motivated about life. I’m finally up out of the bed, ready to go on a 
new day, and realize that I’m just being blessed today by having 
another trial in my life. 
 
You know what? Everybody goes through trials every day. Now I’m 
actually able to say, “Thank You,” and I watch my emotions follow 
those thoughts in just a matter of minutes. 
 
 
 
 
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