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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do I help motivate my kids in school? 
 
Answer:  
 
It’s a very natural question to want to know, “How do I motive my kids 
with homework and school, and to get excited about school?”  
 
And actually, I’ve found this out just by trial and error with my kids—I 
have three children—and as they were growing up, I see that it’s 
extremely important to communicate to your children how valuable 
they are. For example, here’s a $30,000 diamond ring. And so, what I 
did with my children every day is that I communicated to them that 
they’re extremely valuable, more so than this diamond would be. 
 
What that did for my children was let them know that I approve of 
them, that I accept them, that I’m thrilled with them, that I’m really 
excited about them in, actually, anything they want to do. I would just 
say to them, “Hey, you can be whatever you want, with knowledge 
and skills. You get the knowledge, and in eighteen months, you could 
be a world expert, if you get the knowledge and then get the skills to 
use that knowledge.” So, they grew up believing they could do 
anything, because I drummed that in them all the time. 
 
But here’s what I did: I also was a student of my kids. I was an 
observer. I watched my kids interact with their brother and sister, and 
mom and me, and teachers and friends, and this happened with all 
three of my kids, but I used to notice that Greg was a great 
negotiator.  
 
 
 
In fact, my wife and I would be in a heated argument, and he had the 
ability to calm me down. He’d get between us, and he’d say, “Dad, I 
hear what you guys are saying, but, Dad, have you considered this?” 
and I used to tell him to do this, but he would interrupt me, and say, 
“Dad is this how you want us to talk to our wife, you know, when we’re 
married?” and I would go, “Uh, no.”  
 
I noticed he was good at negotiation, and could calm us both down. 
So, off and on, I would say things like this to him, “Greg, as I watch 
you interact, you would be a great lawyer. You ought to think 
sometime about being an attorney.” Here’s what’s key about this: I 
said it enough so that I saw him, even in high school, ask to go down 
and sit in on some legal cases at the courthouse. He got so motivated 
about reading about attorneys, about studying the things that they 
would do, and I was just thinking, “Whoa!”  
 
Later on, when he was applying for law school, I even saw that he had 
more interest in helping teenagers and parents, and he was always 
counseling them, and I actually had a three-hour, knockdown, drag-
out discussion with him, because he wanted to be an attorney. I said, 
“Greg, I’m just observing you, and you look like you’d be an awesome 
counselor.” What is he today? He’s a counselor—not that he didn’t 
have the option to do whatever. I always said, “I would be excited, no 
matter what you did.” 
 
You know, I used to say to my daughter the same thing. She was 
highly valued, and I used to say, “Kerry, you would be an unbelievable 
teacher. Look at how you gather these kids around you, Kerry, and 
teach them. Look at how you tell them stories. You do just great.” 
And, she’s a teacher. 
 
And then my youngest. By this time, you know, I was realizing how 
powerful a dad and a mom is their kids’ lives, when they get 
motivated—and so, I used to say to Michael all the time, “You’d be 
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such a great writer. Look how you write. No matter what you do in 
school, you ought to learn how to write, and learn English, and type, 
because you’re really good at writing. And you’re a great speaker.” 
Sometimes when he was ten and twelve, he’d sometimes share, and 
he was so good at that. I used to encourage that. What did he major 
in? Journalism. Drama. What does he do today? He’s a writer, a 
speaker, and he’s good. He has his own blog, and every day is just 
massaging that blog. Why? Because he’s a great writer with great 
character. He has lots of confidence, because he knows that anything 
he wants to do, he has to get the knowledge of it, and he has to get 
the skills of how to do that. 
 
They’re successful in whatever they go after. I love watching them.  
 
Let me end with this: you want your kids motivated? Help them 
determine what their mission is, what they want to accomplish, what 
they want to do. As soon as that’s clarified, watch how they’ll increase 
in their desire to start getting books or whatever. I’m even doing it 
with my grandchildren today, and it’s working with them, too. 
 
   
 
 
 
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