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iQuestions Faculty, Joe White 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do you gradually increase your kid's freedom? 
 
Answer:  
 
I want to applaud you as a parent for even clicking onto this question, 
“How do I gradually increase the freedom for my child?” The question 
itself says volumes. 
 
It is my job as a dad, or as a mom, to gradually increase the freedom 
of my child. You know, it was Hodding Carter, who has one of the 
greatest quotes on parenting, when he said, “The greatest gift a 
parent can give their child is roots and wings. Roots to build your 
foundation and wings to fly.”  
 
When my child goes to college, or when my child leaves the home at 
age eighteen or nineteen, for his first job, my goal as a dad is that he’s 
completely free, that that boy or that girl has all the responsibilities in 
their life, to take care of their money, to take care of their body, to 
take care of their moral decisions, to take care of their checking 
account, so that they can be free. And then I can just be a friend. I 
can do what I call spotting. I can just be on the sideline just kind of 
ready for the tragedies that may come along. 
 
But, the key to increasing their freedoms starts, if you have a tiny 
baby right now, it starts when they’re tiny. The first word that my 
children learned to say is “puh.” They can’t say “please,” but they 
better say “puh” and “dah-dah,” (thank you) then they learn 
immediately that there’s authority in their life.  
 
 
 
And he’s a happy authority and he’s a smiley-faced authority, but he is 
the authority in their life. And so as the child gets in elementary, 
middle school, where the big decisions start coming, and then high 
school where it’s extremely difficult to be a child, they understand 
what authority means.  
 
The key to increasing freedom—and this is good. In fact, Dr. Dobson 
had one of our greatest talks about this on Focus on the Family radio—
when I increase my child’s freedom, I also want to make sure that I 
increase their responsibility equally. Kids with too much freedom turn 
out to be rebels. Proverbs says, aptly, in the Word of God, “A child 
who gets his way will brings shame to his mother.”  
 
And, what it means is that a child who is spoiled, who always gets his 
way, who’s never told no, who takes lots and lots of freedom without 
very little responsibility attached to that freedom, eventually is going 
to bring shame to his mom and to his family.  
 
But, a child who understands that responsibility gives freedom—when I 
drive safely, then I’m trusted with the car more. When I talk with 
parameters on how long I talk on the cell phone, then I get more time 
on the cell phone. When I get five dollars a week, or a month or 
whatever, for doing my chores, and I do my chores well, and I show 
how I save money, give money to the church and spend money wisely, 
then I’m ready to increase my allowance. 
 
So, as my kids get more freedom in their life, like some time on the 
computer, demonstrating—and parents, hear me—when children get 
these freedoms like the computer, you be sure that you do a great job 
in making sure their responsibilities match the freedoms you’ve given 
them. You be sure that you know what they’re doing on their 
computer. Know who they’re running around with. If they have the 
freedom to go out on the weekend or at night—and kids should have 
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some freedom there—be sure that you know what they’re doing with 
that freedom 
 
Then, as you increase their freedoms—more time out, more allowance, 
more time on the phone, more time on the computer, more time 
learning to be free—if their responsibilities match that freedom, then 
give them more freedom. But if the responsibilities aren’t there to 
match that freedom, then you tighten it down. Take things away. Take 
away the TV. Take away the computer. Take away the cell phone. 
Take away the car, and get them back to the responsibilities that gave 
them those freedoms in the first place. 
 
At the end of the day, when you take that boy to college, or you take 
that girl to college, not only will you be crying your eyes out—and I 
will tell you that that was the hardest day of my life. When I left that 
college down in Texas and drove that long highway 35 back to Missouri 
where we live, I cried so hard. I had to pull over. It was like a gigantic 
rain storm had hit our car.  
 
But I was proud of that little girl. And it wasn’t easy all the way. It 
wasn’t. I made a lot of mistakes. She made a lot of mistakes. But it 
was one of the most wonderful things to know that she did have 
complete freedom, and I knew she’d handle her freedom well. 
 
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