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iQuestions Faculty, Joe White 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do you handle boys during the Jr. High years? 
 
Answer:  
 
Middle school. Junior high boys. 
 
I had two daughters first, and my introduction to junior high boys was 
taking my daughters to school. And you know what? I was amazed. 
Their vocabulary consisted of “uh,” “umm-hmm,” “uuh,” and “duh.” 
They couldn’t even say whole words in junior high! 
 
I also had two junior high boys, middle school boys. Challenging 
years? Yes. Important years? Absolutely. 
 
Junior high is, without a doubt, the first stage of incredible difficulty 
growing up. That’s the time in a boy’s life when everything bombards 
him. His hormones bombard him, realizing that girls are really 
attractive bombards him. Peer pressure is indescribable in junior high. 
The media is more open in his world. And, wow, you’re just twelve 
years old, you’re only thirteen years old, and all of a sudden, you’re 
dealing with all of this? 
 
As a dad or as a mom, that’s when I’ve got to really move into his 
world. So many parents think it’s time to withdraw from his world, but 
I was just looking at a couple of newspaper articles that were talking 
about the difference that parents make to adolescents. Kids are 
saying, “Mom and Dad, I need you in middle school and high school. 
It’s not time to move away from me. It’s time to move into my life.” 
 
 
 
First of all, I’ve got to move into their life with great empathy and 
understanding. I’ve got to remember how tough it was for me to be in 
middle school, and it was extremely tough for me. I didn’t like myself. 
I didn’t like the way I looked. I didn’t like the way I played football. I 
didn’t like anything. 
 
Realize, also, that when a boy is in middle school, that his life is going 
to be a rollercoaster. Don’t react to it. It is just a rollercoaster 
experience. He’s going to have highs, and they’re going to be really 
high. And he’s going to have lows that are going to be very, very low.  
 
The most important thing that I could do for my boy when he is middle 
school is to encourage him. I’ve got to be that boy’s biggest fan. He 
probably is not going to be his own biggest fan, and probably his 
friends are not going to give him the kind of support that he needs. So 
many middle school boys that I counsel and work with are not only 
very confused, they are very lonely.  
 
As a daddy or as a mommy, I’ve got to be the biggest cheerleader. 
 
I was with my friend Gary Smalley recently at a little small group we 
did, three couples, and at this small group, he brought out these bags 
of beans. He brought out a bag of white beans and a bag of red beans. 
Gary gave Debbie Joe, my little bride, a bag of white beans and a bag 
of red beans, and he took a bag of white beans and red beans, gave 
one to Norm, one to Jim, and one to Suzette. And he said, “Here’s the 
deal for this month. Every time Joe encourages you, Debbie Joe, give 
him a white bean. Every time he discourages you, every time he 
demands something, or, heaven forbid, gives you a lecture of any 
kind, give him a red bean. And we’ll all do the same.” 
 
And he said, “After a month, let’s see who has the most white beans.” 
 
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Now, I’m not a very good husband, but I am very competitive, and I 
decided I was going to go home and get more white beans that 
Smalley. So, I was encouraging my bride, I was encouraging the kids, 
I was the biggest cheerleader that my house has ever seen—because I 
wanted a bag of white beans. I didn’t want any red beans. 
 
Now, I know that’s a really silly illustration, but that’s what you do 
with a boy in middle school. You give him a lot of white beans. I’ve got 
to be the best pom-pom waving fan in his whole wide world, because 
many times, he will not like himself. His body’s changing, everything’s 
changed his world around him. I’ve got to be his cheerleader.  
 
The other thing that I have to do while my son is in middle school is to 
be firm. I asked my son Brady one time what was his favorite quality 
about his mom, and he surprised me. He said, “Dad, she’s firm.” Now, 
he didn’t say she was cruel and he didn’t say she was mean, but he 
said she’s firm. And my bride is the best at being consistently firm. 
 
Yes, I’m going to cheer, and yes, I’m going to catch my kids in the act 
of doing something good every day, and I’m going to tell them about 
that. But when their little toes get out-of-bounds, I’m going to tell 
them about that, too. 
 
And if getting out-of-bounds requires some kind of discipline, I’m 
going to make sure that that discipline is firm, and it’s fair, and it’s 
followed through. Because middle school is on the verge of being in 
high school—and the cars, and the options, and the dating, and drugs 
and alcohol, and everything you could imagine, are in abundant 
supply. So, if I don’t do it right in middle school, then high school is 
going to be extremely difficult.  
 
So, consider middle school pre-game warm-up for high school. 
Consider middle school—as we’d say in football coaching—two-a-days, 
those August practices, to get you ready for game time. You do a 
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great job in middle school with your kids, and then when they get to 
high school, it will be a whole lot easier to do the job well. 
  
 
 
 
 
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