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iQuestions Faculty, Greg Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
We've been dating since college. I want her to marry me. How do I 
know if she's the "one"? 
 
Answer: 
 
How do we know that the person that we’re dating is the right one to 
marry? Man, that was a question that I struggled with, wrestled with. I 
didn’t even know how to begin to answer that. 
 
As a matter of fact, I remember talking to a good friend of mine, and 
he said, “Greg, here’s the bottom line,” he goes, “here it is. Boil it 
down for you. You can live with anyone, because I don’t believe there’s 
this soul-mate thing, that there’s one person. You can live with 
anyone. The question is, when you’re thinking about Erin, is that the 
person who you do not want, under any circumstances, to live 
without? 
 
“It’s not that you need her to have a great life—you can do that as an 
individual—but is she the person that, as you think about growing old, 
that you don’t want to do that without her?” 
 
What I love about my wife—you want to know to how I met her? 
Because, I tell you, I instantly, actually, knew that this was the person 
that I could marry. I met her in college, Grand Canyon University. It 
was at an Old Testament theology class. I literally fell sound asleep in 
the back of class.  
 
I had met her, I’d seen her around, I was sitting next to her, I had 
some buddies on the other side me. I was sound asleep. And all of a 
 
 
sudden, the next thing I realize is that this girl I didn’t know grabs my 
arm and shakes me awake, and says, “Greg, quick! You’ve got to 
stand up. The professor just called on you to pray.” 
 
And I went, “What?” 
 
There was kind of a tradition in this class, being on Old Testament 
theology, that a student would close the class in prayer. So, I’d been 
sound asleep, and so she’s like, “You gotta stand up!”  
 
And I said, “Are you being serious?” 
 
And she goes, “Yes.” 
 
So, the guy looks like he’s paused, so I stand up, and I started to 
pray. If you’ve never had that sense that you’re praying, and you feel 
like people are looking at you, it’s a weird feeling. Trust me. 
 
I could hear people laughing. I kind of peeked a little bit. I don’t know 
what—I’m checking my zipper—I don’t what in the world they’re 
laughing about, but I just continued to pray, and I finished and sat 
down. Now the whole class is laughing at me, and I’m looking at this 
girl, and she’s red in the face. My buddies are on ground, slapping the 
floor. I don’t know what in the world is going on. 
 
Before I could even figure anything out, the professor goes, “Greg, I 
appreciate your enthusiasm, but,” he said, “do you think maybe next 
time you could wait until I’m finished lecturing before you close us in 
prayer?” 
 
I’ll never forget just going, “I cannot believe that this girl I didn’t even 
know played that joke on me—got me!”  
 
Smalley -2- 
 
 
At the same time, I remember looking at her, staring at her, and 
going, “Wow!” I couldn’t believe that she had done that to a total 
stranger. And I remember thinking, “Now, that’s the kind of girl I want 
to marry someday.”  
 
I had no idea, after that about five years after that experience, she 
would become my wife. 
 
So, as you really think about, “Is this person the right one for me?” Let 
me give you a couple of other things, beyond getting a joke played on 
you in class—which could really do. 
 
The first thing that I would encourage you to do—and this is huge. If 
you’re not doing this, then I would be worried. You’ve got to spend 
time getting to know that person. Now, you might be going, “Now 
there’s a great idea,” but listen. This is what you’re wanting to do. 
You’re wanting to ask as many questions as you possibly can to really, 
truly get to know that person.  
 
You’d be shocked at how many people know a little bit, they sorta talk, 
but didn’t really get to know it. Think about it. There’s great stuff out 
there on thousands of questions to ask one another. Ask, ask, ask as 
many questions as you can, and spend time doing that.  
 
You know, another big one is to create a list, so you know the 
character qualities that you really want in a spouse. For me, it was 
thinking about, “What is it that I really want in a wife? Someone who 
has a great sense of humor. Someone who has a spiritual relationship. 
Someone with integrity. Someone who wants to have kids.”  
 
I mean, whatever is on your list, just be real clear about what those 
things are, and really look and evaluated, “Does this person have 
those things?”  
 
Smalley -3- 
 
 
That doesn’t mean you’re going to find anyone who’s perfect and all of 
those things you’ve written on your list. But at least, having thought 
through that list, it allows you an objective evaluation. 
 
You know, another important aspect is to ask your friends and family 
what they think about this person. You’d be surprised at how many 
have sat in my counseling office, telling me about their premarital 
engagement, and how much their family and their friends didn’t think 
that they should get married. And look, they’re in my office.  
 
That doesn’t mean that you listen to your friends and family. At least 
be open to hearing what their concerns are—and at least really 
thinking those through. 
 
And finally, get premarital counseling. Go talk to a counselor. Talk to a 
pastor. Talk to, maybe it’s an older couple—who have been married for 
twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years—about their relationship, and just hear 
about their challenges, their encouragement. What would they advise 
you to do? I tell you, that can be so important—because sometimes, 
simply listening to someone’s history of their relationship can be 
predictive of whether they’re going to make it or not. 
 
When the couples say, “I don’t know why we’re getting married. We’ve 
had a really hard time,” or, “We have to get married,” or, “If I don’t 
get married, I can’t get out of my home,” those are the reasons you 
want to stay away from. So, simply going and talking a professional, 
or an older couple, a pastor—I tell you, it can be powerful.  
 
So, again, I don’t think you can ever know 100% that “this the right 
one,” but I tell you, by really doing your due diligence, and really 
thinking some of these things through—especially creating that list, 
and getting to know that person—boy, I tell you, that can really help 
you make that decision.  
Smalley -4- 
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