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iQuestions Faculty, Greg Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I love the outdoors but my wife doesn't. She would rather go to a 
movie or stay home. How can we find something to do together? 
 
Answer: 
 
Early on in my marriage, my wife and I realized pretty quickly that we 
were very different. I know that’s a shock to probably a lot of people. 
But one of the ways that we’re different is that she seemed to want to 
do different things that I really didn’t enjoy, and we would battle 
about, “What are we going to do tonight?” and “I want to do this,” 
“No, I want to do that.”  
 
It was really hard for us to come up with a compromise—until 
something significant happened in our marriage. It’s funny to think 
back, because it’s bizarre. But I tell you, this event really did change 
the way that we understood how to balance out what she likes, and 
what I like. 
 
We were scheduled to go to Tennessee. We were driving from the 
Missouri area, and so, if you’ve ever done that, there’s no real, direct 
route. We were supposed to be in Nashville, and as a guy, I’m 
thinking, “I can figure this out. I’ll figure out, basically, a straight line.” 
 
She kept begging me, saying, “Greg, please call AAA. Ask them. 
They’ll know it exactly,” and I was thinking, “They’re going to look at a 
map. I can read a map. Why would I need some guy telling me how to 
read a map?”  
 
 
 
So, I sat down, and, sure enough, I mapped out basically, for the most 
part, a straight line. I was so proud, I showed my buddies, and they’re 
like, “Man!” high-fiving me. I mean, this is impressive. I showed my 
wife, and the only thing that she said—of course, she wasn’t as 
impressed as they were—“Please, just ask someone if this will actually 
work.” Of course, I knew it would. 
 
So, we set off. As we were driving, we had a great time laughing, 
playing, listening to music, whatever. And so, there was a little short-
cut part that I had mapped out, and as we took that, she said, “Now, 
are you sure this is right?” “Yes, Honey. Trust me. It’s right.” 
 
As we start driving, all of a sudden, she went, “Hey, what was that? 
Did you see that?”  
 
And I said, “What?”  
 
She goes, “That was a sign.”  
 
I said, “Yeah, there’s lots of signs.”  
 
She said, “No, I’m telling you, it said, ‘Dead End.’”  
 
I said, “It didn’t say ‘Dead End’—unless it said ‘Dead End’ is in 
Nashville,” so I kept driving, literally 20 miles down the road.  
 
As I looked around, and the place got less and less populated, and 
there were more and more crops, all of a sudden, we hit the 
Mississippi River. The problem was that we ran out of road, and there 
was not bridge. You could stand at the edge of this road, at the 
Mississippi, and you could see where the other road was at the other 
side—there just was no bridge. 
 
Smalley -2- 
 
 
Of course, you can only imagine now, we’re literally 40 miles out of 
our way. We had a time-crunch. We had to be there. I thought for sure 
my wife was going to get upset and say, “I told you so,” and, “You’re 
not trustworthy. You’re never going to drive us anywhere ever again.”  
 
But instead, here’s what she did. What she did, again, changed the 
way we understand what we need from one another. She said, “You 
know, I heard someone say something the other day that I think you 
and I should try.”  
 
And I was very nervous, and I said, “What’s that?”  
 
And she said, “Answer this statement. Answer this.” She said: “I feel 
loved when you. . . .”  
 
Literally, we spent the next 40 miles retracing our steps, just talking 
about what is it that happens that when Erin does it, I feel really 
loved. “I feel loved, Erin, when you. . . .” And she then answered, “I 
feel loved, Greg, when you. . . .” 
 
Changed our marriage. 
 
First the very first time, we started to understand exactly what we 
could be doing for the other person, in terms of their exact love-
language. I tell you, you want to change your marriage. You want to 
understand your relationship in a different way. 
 
This is what I call “developing a PhD in your spouse.” 
 
The key is that you’ve got to understand what it is, exactly, that they 
love. What can you do that makes them feel loved?  
 
We began to do this, and we’ve seen amazing results. And of course, 
what we do is keep a list, and then we just exchange that. So, one 
Smalley -3- 
 
 
night, going on a date, we’ll choose something from her list. On 
another date night, we’ll choose something from mine.  
 
Now, the key is, though, as an individual, that I have to realize that by 
doing these things that Erin enjoys, that I’m actually loving her—
extending love to her.  
 
I probably don’t like to do a lot of things that are on her list. It’s not 
about me. It’s about me having the opportunity to serve my wife in 
ways that are very, very loving.  
 
Develop and earn a PhD in your spouse. I have a doctorate in 
psychology. I spent seven years studying human relationships to earn 
that degree. I mean, do I spend that same kind of energy, passion, 
time, and effort into my wife? You know, not always. But that’s 
something that I’ve really tried to do. I want to know exactly what she 
needs to feel loved.  
 
Now here’s the good news. Once you understand these things, you 
don’t have to spend a ton of time doing these things. The researchers 
say that only 20 minutes in investing in one another in ways that they 
uniquely like—see, my default is to do things that I like. So, I’ll do 
things for Erin that I like, and in no way, shape, or form help her to 
feel loved.  
 
Spend 20 minutes a day with those lists, changing those lists of things 
that you both feel love when the other person does it, and I promise 
you will see your relationship go to a different level. 
 
Smalley -4- 
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