To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 
iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
What is the essence of a good date night? 
 
Answer:  
 
How do you have a great date night? Well, one of the ways that we 
have discovered through our own research is that romance is not 
candlelight, violins playing, you know, it’s not a really fancy 
restaurant. That’s really not it. 
 
Romance, in essence, is feeling valued, feeling precious, feeling very 
important. 
 
If you considered your mate extremely valuable, worth a million 
dollars, and you believed that in your heart, that they are extremely 
valuable, and you communicated that they’re very valuable, watch 
how romance just happens naturally.  
 
When a woman feels secure, she’s really feeling valuable. She’s feeling 
like this person is committed for life—and he’s committed because 
you’re very valuable.  
 
Well, you could do the same thing as a wife with your husband. Both 
of you need to feel very highly honored. In fact, did you know that 
what you honor, you have affection for? If you dishonor someone, if 
you lower your mate’s value through griping and complaining and 
thinking of all the negative things about them, that’s actually hindering 
your romance, hindering your deep commitment for one another. 
 
 
 
So, the essence of a great date night started way before you got in the 
car. And there are things you can do, however, while you are on a 
date that can actually diminish the value of your mate. For example, 
either one of you could have your phone connected to your ear 
surgically and if it rings every time, and you answer it, it 
communicates to your mate “this is more valuable than you are.” It’s 
subtle things like that—being distracted, going off the subject, 
interrupting.  
 
I mean, conversation, deep conversation, is really important—but if 
you’re answering the telephone. In fact, look here, this is ringing right 
now, somebody else’s phone. “Excuse me, I’m going to answer this.” 
No. But that would be the same thing, on a date. 
 
If you allow certain things to distract you, it’s really not the distraction 
that’s bothering her or him, it’s the devaluation. It’s lowering their 
value. 
 
Here’s another thing that’s very important. This comes from Dr. John 
Gottman, a world-famous expert on marriage. He says that if you want 
your marriage to last for fifty years, and you guys really stay in love, 
do you know what it is? Value. It’s five valuable experiences that you 
have every day, verses one negative.  
 
If you were doing ten valuable things before a date, and you answered 
your phone one time on the date, you’d probably be okay. But every 
day—think of this. This is amazing. Every day, do five valuable things 
for your mate. Say something valuable, say a praise. Thank them for 
something. Give them a gift. Make a list of a hundred things you could 
do that are positive, and do them every day, but average five a day. 
One negative. 
 
That’s the research, showing that you’ll probably live together for fifty 
years.  
Page -2- 
 
 
 
So, remember, a great date starts with your mate feeling very 
valuable. That’s the essence of romance, that’s the essence of 
everything in your marriage, including sex. Watch how it improves 
your relationships. 
Page -3- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.