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iQuestions Faculty, Greg Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I met a man on a business trip and we became friends. We really 
connected. I love my husband and care about my marriage, but I have 
feelings for this other man. I'm so confused. I didn't mean for this to 
happen. 
 
Answer: 
 
You know, any time someone feels emotions for a person of the 
opposite sex, especially when they’re married and this is not their 
spouse, it’s so easy to jump to, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong 
with my marriage? I’m having these feelings for this other person. I 
didn’t have an affair, and it really wasn’t even an emotional affair. 
Does that mean that something’s wrong with me, or what does that 
mean?” 
 
First and foremost, that is absolutely normal. I mean, the way we 
we’ve been created—we’ve been created to know and to be known. My 
desire is to know people, to connect relationally at a very deep level. 
My desire is to be known by someone else, another person, at a very 
deep level. 
 
And so, you know, there are going to be times where we’re going to be 
on business trips, we’re going to be with friends. We’re going to be at 
a super bowl party, and this might happen.  
 
I’ll be honest. I remember years ago, my wife and I went to a party. 
And I was sitting there watching the game, and this other woman 
came up and just sat next to me, and we started talking, very 
innocently. Nothing—I didn’t think anything of it. So, we ended that 
 
 
evening, and as my wife and I were talking later on, I was so shocked 
that she went, “What was going on? What were you thinking? Did you 
not notice that this other person seemed to be really interested in 
you? What’s going on?” I was so shocked, because I didn’t even realize 
that there was anything wrong with that.  
 
What I understand now is, first and foremost, that’s normal. Now, the 
good new is—and here’s why I appreciate this question, because 
you’re doing something about it. Encounters like that, that happen 
over time, can lead to something that can be very destructive to our 
relationships, to ourselves. 
 
So, what do we do about it? Number one, here’s my first 
encouragement: “What was going on in your own heart?” That’s the 
place you always want to begin. “What needs maybe weren’t getting 
met with this person that left me maybe vulnerable?” 
 
You know, was it the need to feel appreciated? The need to feel like 
someone is interested in me? That I’m a priority? The excitement of 
having someone notice me? Whatever it is, there is something going 
on down in my heart that I can be aware of. That is a huge goldmine 
of information—just to notice what’s going on inside of me that left me 
open to that kind of an interaction. 
 
You know, another place that it’s important is to go here [to the 
brain]. We have the ability as human beings to rationalize ourselves 
into almost anything—I mean, literally, anything. But you know 
another way to see the word “rationalize” is “rational lies”—lies that we 
tell ourselves so that we can then believe and get into these kinds of 
behaviors.  
 
That’s the kinds of things, the choices that we make, I want to be 
aware of. “What am I trying to rationalize? That I deserve to have 
someone be interested in me? That it’s not a big deal?” I mean, “I was 
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at a party, for crying out loud. What’s the big deal about that? That’s 
no big deal.” Maybe you’re on a trip, and one little dinner with this 
person—“What’s the big deal?”  
 
Any time that I start to come up with excuses or defending my 
actions, that’s usually when I want to step back and say, “Whoa. 
What’s going on here?” You know, “What’s really going on?”  
 
You know, another important step in doing this is to make sure that 
we set some boundaries. So, if this is going on, my advice is, “Boy, 
really set some clear boundaries.”  
 
I have a good friend that used to say that it’s kind of like walking up to 
a cliff. Let’s say that cliff-line is your boundary. Now, set that 
boundary, whatever it is, maybe that you’re not going to go to lunch 
with anyone of the opposite sex, or if you ever do, that it’s going to be 
in a group. Or if you’re on a business trip, that you’re not going to eat 
dinner with anybody, you’re going to do that alone. I mean, whatever 
it is, set some kind of boundary, some kind of limit.  
 
But here’s the key—this is what my friend helped me understand—is 
then to step back about ten feet. I don’t want to play around right 
next to the cliff. I mean, any one little teeny misstep, and there I go 
over the side. I don’t want to do that. I want to give myself some 
margin of error. 
 
Usually, whatever your boundary is, set it back even farther. If it’s that 
I’ll only go out with a group, with a bunch of colleagues. Maybe it’s 
just that I’m not going to do that at all. I mean, I don’t know. That’s 
maybe for you to understand.  
 
Here’s the last thing, and this is important. Have some accountability. 
Have a good friend, someone of the same sex—someone who’s a good 
friend of yours, a good buddy, a good sister, or whatever—and tell this 
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person what’s gone on. And say, “You know what? I don’t want to fall 
into this trap, so I want you to ask me, ‘How are things going?’ Don’t 
be afraid to ask me the hard question, ‘What have I been doing this 
week? Have I compromised my boundaries in any way?’” Because, I 
tell you, that person can often be the difference between falling over 
the cliff and just falling down near it and skinning your knee up. 
 
I tell you what, I’ll take a skinned knee than falling 50 feet down, 
maybe unto the death of my marriage or the death of my 
relationships. 
 
So, again. It’s normal. We’re human, we’re going to have these kinds 
of feelings, because we want to know people, and we want to be 
known deeply and intimately, we want to connect with people—but set 
some limits, stay back from those limits, and then get accountability.  
 
 
 
Smalley -4- 
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