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iQuestions Faculty, Greg Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
Is blaming each other helpful in resolving our conflicts? 
 
Answer: 
 
It is amazing, when my wife and I try to work through some of our 
conflicts, how so many times—when we try to do things that we think 
will help us get through this conflict—it actually is a complete waste of 
time. Let me show you what I mean by this.  
 
We had been married for no more than two weeks, probably. It’s 
probably one of the most bizarre conversations that I have ever had 
inside of my marriage. I laugh any time I think about it. My wife and I 
were laying in bed one night, and she leans over, and she goes, “Hey. 
How am I doing as a wife?” 
 
And I remember thinking, “What?” And I said, “What?” 
 
She goes, “How am I doing as a wife?” I said, “Fine.” She went, 
“Fine?” She goes, “Really?” And I said, “Yeah, fine. You’re doing 
great.” And she goes, “You said fine.” I said, “I know. Great and fine to 
me mean the same thing. You’re doing a great job.” 
 
And she goes, “No, I’m being serious. I really want to know. I want to 
be the best wife. Tell me, really. How am I doing? Give me some 
feedback.” 
 
I said, “Honey, we’ve been married for two weeks! I mean, c’mon, 
you’re doing a great job,” and I patted her on the back and said, “Now 
can we turn the light off?” 
 
 
 
And she goes, “Seriously! I want to know.” 
 
She could tell that she wasn’t done getting what she wanted from me, 
so listen to what she did to me. It horrifies me, to this day. 
 
She said, “Think of it this way.” She goes, “Zero to ten, with ten being 
the best job I could be doing as a wife, and zero being the worst, how 
would you rate me?” 
 
Now, you talk about the hair on the back of my neck standing straight 
up, because something about that just didn’t feel right. And I said, 
“Nooo. C’mon. I don’t want to do that.”  
 
She’s like, “Is it that hard?”  
 
I said, “So you really want to know?” And like an idiot, I actually 
thought that she wanted to know. I hadn’t literally thought about this. 
 
And she goes, “Do you need that much time?” 
 
I said, “Shh. You distracted me. Now I lost my place. Now, be quiet,” 
and I thought and I thought and I thought. And I thought that I came 
with the perfect number.  
 
Before I tell you what it is, I gotta tell you, to defend myself for a 
second. Here I’m thinking, okay, I gotta think of the most perfect 
person that’s ever existed, and Jesus Christ came to my mind. And I 
thought, oaky, He’s a ten. So, my next problem was, “How far from”—
and my wife’s not Christ, so I thought, “How far from a ten do I rate 
her, and still maybe have intimacy tonight,” which is not easy to do. 
 
And so, I felt I came up with the perfect number, and I said, “Honey, 
I’m proud to tell you, you are a 9.3.” 
Smalley -2- 
 
 
 
“Huh?” 
 
Well, I’m telling you what, that was like I just told her she was the 
worst wife in the world. 
 
And she goes, “What?” 
 
And I said, “9.3. Congratulations.”  
 
And she said, “What do you not like?” She starts to cry.  
 
I’m thinking, “Wait, no! This is good! I love you, I love what you’re 
doing!” But that just pushed her buttons. She said something to me, 
like, “Well, you’re not Mr. Perfect, either,” and that pushed my 
buttons, and I started arguing with her.  
 
Listen to how we tried to get out of this argument, and what we did 
that’s a total waste of time. If you do any of these things to try to get 
out of your arguments, try to manage your conflict, I promise you, you 
are totally wasting your time.  
 
Number one is this: any time you argue about who’s right and who’s 
wrong, that’s a complete waste of time. Why? Well, because usually 
Erin thinks she’s right, and I think I’m right. How do you figure out 
which one of us is more right? You don’t. It’s a complete waste of 
time. Just don’t do that. It’s never going to get you to where you want 
to be. 
 
Number two: any time you argue about “what really happened,” the 
“facts,” or, “I didn’t do that yesterday! I did that two days ago!” Or, 
“That’s not how I said it! I said it like this.”  
 
Smalley -3- 
 
 
Do you ever try to do that, to where you try to let the truth be known, 
and argue about the real facts, what really happened? It’s a complete 
waste of time, because why? Interview witnesses to the same crime, 
and what are you going to get? You’re going to get two totally different 
stories, because our perception is different. She sees it one way, I see 
it the other. How do you figure that one out? You don’t.  
 
So, it’s a total waste of time. Number three is, any time you argue 
about who’s to blame or who’s at fault, that’s a total waste of time. 
Because why? I mean, I hate it when someone points their finger at 
me and blames me. What am I going to do? I’m going to defend 
myself? I’m going to argue back? 
 
I remember that night, Erin was saying, “This was all your fault that 
we’re in this whole mess!” and she’s like, “What kind of husband rates 
his wife 9.3 in their first or second week of marriage?” 
 
And I’m like, “This is all your fault! Who asks their husband that kind 
of crazy question?” 
 
And then listen to what she said to me—I’ll give her this one. This was 
actually quite good. She looked at me, and she said, “Well, at least I’m 
not a 5, like you are!” That hurt me just as much. 
 
Anyway, who’s to blame? Who’s fault is this? A total waste of time.  
 
Now, here’s the fourth one. And this was challenging to me, because 
as a guy, you like to solve problems—but anytime you make the focus 
how to solve your problem in the beginning, how to fix it, it’s a waste 
of time. Why? 
 
How do people really want to hear when they’re in a conflict? Don’t 
they want to feel heard and understood, and validated, that you care 
about them? That’s usually what people want first. You might have to 
Smalley -4- 
 
 
solve something later on, but never do that in the beginning. Make 
your goal at the beginning of an argument to care about how each 
other feels.  
 
Instead of pushing buttons and reacting and arguing about who’s fault 
it is, and what really happened, and who’s right and who’s wrong, 
make your goal to care about how my wife feels, and hopefully, she 
will care about how I feel.  
 
That is a great goal. Caring is the best goal that I can think of in the 
beginning of a conflict.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Smalley -5- 
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