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iQuestions Faculty, Greg Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
What are some practical ways to balance time with my spouse versus 
time with my 4-year-old and newborn? I want our children to see the 
value of good relationship? 
 
Answer: 
 
One of the most challenging things as a father and as a husband is 
how in the world do you balance time with my kids and then time with 
my spouse. Both are so important. To have great relationships 
requires time. 
 
I’ll never forget this: When my wife and I—her name’s Erin—when Erin 
and I found out that we were having our first child, Taylor, people 
were coming up and saying, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”  
 
“About what?”  
 
“Your life is over. It’s going to change so much. Nothing’s going to be 
the same.” 
 
And I remember being paranoid thinking that our marriage was going 
to crumble simply because we were having a child. Now, here’s the 
key though, and here’s what we know through research: When you 
look at marriage satisfaction there are a couple places where it dips 
the lowest. I bet you could imagine when that is. When you have your 
first child, and then when that first child hits the teenage years. Those 
are two of the lowest-satisfied times in a couple’s marriage. Why is 
that?  
 
 
 
Usually what happens is they lose their relationship focus. They stop 
focusing on their marriage, and put all their time and effort into their 
kids. Half the time with my kids I feel like a spectator and a chauffeur. 
Taking them around to all these different sporting events, and theater 
and choir and all these things.  
 
But you know what? It doesn’t have to mean that you sacrifice your 
marriage at all. As a matter of fact, our marriages should thrive during 
that period where we’re raising our kids. Not just survive—let’s not be 
about survival, let’s be about thriving. So, how do we do that? 
 
Again, the key, it all boils down to, am I going to focus on my 
marriage? Am I going to put the time and the energy into cultivating 
that relationship? So, here’s what I do—my wife and I talked this 
through, and this is what we did—first and foremost, you want to cede 
from the very get-go with your kids that your marriage is the most 
important thing. Let them grow up experiencing that mom and dad 
and their marriage is important, that it should never be a question in 
their mind. 
 
I remember one time—this is so funny—we were at some friends’ 
house and we were just talking, and they had a young daughter, she 
was maybe three years old. And she was just talking about all these 
rules that she had in her home—that she wasn’t allowed to hit her 
baby brother, and she couldn’t grab the fish and pull them out of the 
fish tank—you know, the really, really important stuff.  
 
So, I was asking her, “Tell me some of the other rules.” And her 
parents were kind of over by us, just listening, kind of proud that their 
baby remembers all these rules and she says, “I know one rule, that 
Daddy says is that when he and Mommy are wrestling I’m not allowed 
to bother them.” I’ve never forgotten that. 
 
Smalley -2- 
 
 
Parents, we need to be “seeding” to our kids that we’re not to be 
disturbed—when we’re wrestling, sure—but, at other times, when 
we’re communicating, when we’re talking, when we’re dealing with 
issues.  
 
“Seed” that, from the day when my kids know—and they’ve heard this 
over and over and over again—come a certain time at night, this is 
Mom and Dad’s time. It is not okay for you to disturb us during that 
time. Put limits in there. 
 
One of the things that I do—I’ve really tried to do this—is when I come 
home in the evening after work and I come in, my kids of course hear 
me. I love it when they scream, you know, “Daddy’s home!” I love 
that! But, I’ve made a decision that before I grab hold of them and see 
how they’re doing that I’m going to walk right up to my wife and I’m 
going to kiss her on the cheek, and I’m going to say, “Hey, how you 
doing? How was your day?” Just real quick. Just two or three minutes, 
max. And then I’m going to invest time into my kids. 
 
Here’s the third thing: Set clear boundaries for when your kids are 
going to bed, and make it not okay for them to disturb you guys. We 
have said at eight o’clock, let’s say, school nights, you are in bed. 
None of this getting up, “water” this, and “say goodnight to me” this. 
They know—and I will say to them, “Hey guys, whoa, you’re out of 
your bed.”  
 
This is Mom and Dad’s time, and you are taking away from that time, 
therefore you now owe me another minute tomorrow off of your play 
time. If you’re going to take this time, because this is the time where 
Mom and Dad cultivate and maintain a healthy, satisfying marriage.” 
 
Again, we’re not perfect. We don’t always have the greatest marriage. 
But, I’ll tell you what, we’re going to protect that time. So, if they’re 
going to take away from my time, I most certainly will take away from 
Smalley -3- 
 
 
theirs tomorrow when it comes time for them to play. And they learn 
that. Don’t be afraid. Set those limits. Now, if you’ve never done that 
before, they’re going to test those, and it’s probably going to take a 
couple weeks for them to get that you’re really serious. 
 
Now, here’s the good news, in terms of cultivating that marriage 
relationship: It’s not hours every night that you have to do this. The 
research says, at least twenty minutes per day. We can find twenty 
minutes to sit down, to talk, to do something together. It’s twenty 
minutes. That’s really all it takes. That’s the difference, the 
researchers found, between the marriages that are in crisis and those 
marriages that were satisfying. They just had twenty more minutes 
together. 
 
Set those limits with those kids. You’re going to do stuff with your kids 
anyway. But, make sure that your priority—that they’ve learned from 
the get-go—that our marriage is the most important relationship.  
 
When Mom and Dad have a healthy marriage, kids, you’re going to 
benefit—you’re the beneficiary of that great relationship. 
Smalley -4- 
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