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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
Will our fighting lead to a divorce? 
 
Answer:  
 
Yes, if you’re arguing all the time, that can contribute to a divorce. Did 
you know that the researchers today have discovered that there are 
four main reasons why couples divorce in America? This research is 
going all around the world, and they’re finding the same results. Four 
reasons.  
 
The first one is, when a couple argues and one or both of them 
withdraws from one another. In other words, just picture yourself 
trying to argue, and you’re disagreeing, and you’re right in each 
other’s face, and then if one person takes off, and you’re still arguing.  
That is called withdrawing from an argument or disagreement, or 
withdrawing at any time during your marriage for any reason. 
Withdrawing is damaging, because it produces a great deal of 
frustration in your mate, if you’re the one who withdraws. 
 
Typically, 60%, 70%, 80% of the time, it’s the male who withdraws 
during an argument. That does a lot of damage for both of you, 
because you both end up with unresolved anger and frustration in your 
own heart—and that is what eventually kills your affection for one 
another. 
 
The second major reason that leads to divorce is when a couple 
escalates during an argument. So, she says, “If I had known you were 
going to be this controlling, you know, you’re so much like your dad, 
you know, I never would have married you.”  
 
 
 
“Well, I’m telling you, you’re a lot like your mom, and you know I 
never liked her anyway.” 
 
“Don’t bring my mom into this! I love my mom and I hate your mom.” 
 
“Well, I don’t know why I married you.” 
 
“I should have divorced you long ago.” 
 
And it just goes out of control. How many times do you go out of 
control, and some couples throw things at each other. They actually hit 
each other. That’s called escalation. That’s the second most damaging 
way of contributing to divorce, because escalation also ends in 
unresolved anger. It’s the unresolved frustration and anger in your 
heart, you’ve never really resolved it, that’s what kills your affection, 
eventually—and that’s what causes you to devalue your mate, 
incidentally. 
 
Third reason. Some experts say that this is the number one reason for 
divorce in America. When you’re having a discussion or a conversation 
with your mate, and you say, “Well what do you know about it?” and 
so, you elevate yourself in value over your mate, which in essence 
belittles your mate. You make your mate smaller than you, and you 
say, “What do you know about it? I’m a woman. I know what the kids 
need.” And you don’t have a clue. 
 
Any time you belittle your mate, the pain of being belittled by your 
mate is so unnerving and so hurtful and causes such deep anger that 
eventually, you lose your total affection for the person. You don’t even 
know why you married the person, because there’s such an inward, 
subtle—maybe you’re not even aware of it—hatred for your mate.  
 
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So, that’s the third, but it’s very, very important not to think more 
highly of yourself than you ought to, but recognizing your mate’s 
opinions and what they think is very valuable, because it’s theirs. This 
is actually part of a solution to this whole problem. 
 
The fourth major cause is when you develop a belief about your mate, 
just because you made it up in your mind. Maybe you think your mate 
is trying to bankrupt you, or they’re trying to get you so worked up 
that they’ll leave you, and you feel really insecure, so you believe, “My 
mate doesn’t really love me and wants me to leave him.” 
 
Don’t ever assume that you understand your mate. Don’t ever come to 
a conclusion that, “Yes, this is true about my mate,” because what you 
believe about your mate, you will see and hear, even if it isn’t true. 
Confirmation bias. Very damaging to a marriage. 
 
So, the solution to all four of these contributors to divorce are solved 
by one communication method. It’s called win-win, drive-thru talking. 
What it means is, the two of you get into an argument, you start to 
get upset, one of you wants to leave, or you want to escalate or you 
want to belittle, or you want to start developing a negative belief, what 
you actually do is both calm down, and say, “Let’s come back later. 
Maybe take a break,” you know, a little recess. You say, “Let’s use 
drive-thru talking when we come back.” 
 
Actually, you can say those things, because you start heating up, and 
when you use drive-thru talking, all you do is, she spends two minutes 
sometimes understanding her husband’s emotions and needs 
connected to whatever you’re arguing about, and they take turns, and 
then she listens to his feelings and needs about this disagreement, 
whatever it is. You both get a deep understanding of one another, and 
then you help each other come to a satisfactory solution, which is 
called win-win. It’s amazing, but it’s amazing only after you both 
understand each other’s feelings and needs, connected to whatever 
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you’re arguing about. This is a major solution to eliminating divorce in 
America. 
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