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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I'm depressed because my communication with my husband breaks 
down everyday. What do I do? 
 
Answer:  
 
I know it’s difficult to communicate every day in a meaningful way 
with your husband and friends, with your kids. I mean, I know it’s 
hard, but I want to give you one method—the most powerful 
communication method that I know of. And this way you only have to 
concentrate on one thing.  
 
If you use your ears every time you want to communicate, if you use 
your ears for one thing—understanding. Communication is primarily 
understanding another person and validating that understanding by 
saying to that person, “Is this what you’re saying? Do I understand 
that you’re feeling this way? Do I understand that you need this? Do I 
understand that you’re upset by this or that?” If you repeat what you 
think you understand, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that 
about 80% of your communication is over. Most people just want to be 
understood. And they want their feelings understood. They want their 
needs understood. They want their beliefs understood. This is so vital. 
So, it is key to all communication.  
 
And remember that communication is about 7% the words they’re 
using. So, don’t listen to the words and think you’ve got it. 
Communication is basically non-verbal. It’s facial expressions. It’s tone 
of voice. Watch a person’s lips. 
 
 
 
Years ago, about 30 years ago, I had an expert teaching me how to 
understand my wife. He said, “If you can just concentrate on your 
wife’s eyes—listen to her eyes, because a person’s eyes tell you what’s 
in their soul.” So, what are their eyes saying? Are they sad? Is she 
crying? Is she, you know, are they bright? You know. A person’s eyes 
reveal so much about them, and their lips do, too. Because it’s how 
their facial muscles are expressing the words. And body language. Are 
they slumped? You know. Are they excited? Are they sitting up? You 
know. Are they leaning forward? Are they leaning back? 
 
If you just use your eyes and your ears to listen to the tone of voice 
and the eyes and the facial expressions and the body language, you 
can double your understanding. But the key is—because real 
communication is understanding the person—asking him questions. 
“Do you think I understand you?” If they say, “No, you’re not even 
close. Keep going.” It’s really a waste of time for you to start sharing 
all your thoughts and all your emotions and all your needs and all your 
beliefs until you understand. 
 
And do you know what the miracle of life is? If you and your husband 
are talking and you are both understanding each other in a deep way 
and you do really understand their feelings, and they actually sign off, 
in a sense, “Yes, I think you really understand me. I feel understood.” 
And then you change places and your mate really understands you. 
You can be in a major argument about some major thing, like let’s 
change jobs, or let’s buy a new car, or let’s change homes, or let’s 
change the paint in the room, or let’s have more kids. Those are pretty 
powerful, potentially explosive discussions, but if you understand each 
other in a deep, deep way, the solution to your argument is sometimes 
miraculously clear.  
 
So, take it from somebody who’s been learning this stuff for over forty 
years. This is the key to communication. 
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