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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I hate my wife’s back-seat driving. How do I get her to stop? 
 
Answer:  
 
A female being a back-seat driver is all over the world. But there are 
very specific reasons why some women want to drive for their 
husband. In fact, a wife said to me one time that she drives, she and 
her husband, everywhere, and she lets him hold the steering wheel. 
Yeah, OK.  
 
So, here’s part of the problem we have with the differences when 
we’re in the car: a female brain is wired, as you know from research 
today, very different than the male brain. And one of the differences—
and we know that there are thousands of differences—but one of them 
is most females, or at least a lot of females, have a difficult time with 
spatial differences. The average woman has a difficult time telling 
whether it’s ten yards, twenty yards, hundred yards away.  
 
And so, you can be in your car, especially at night—it’s magnified at 
night. You know, you can be, as a male, driving your car. Your wife’s 
right next to you. All of a sudden she goes, “Oh, watch out! You’re 
going to hit that car.” You know, you go, “Whoa,” and you slam on the 
brakes, and you go, “What car?” And she says, “That car.” And you 
say, “Honey, that car’s a half a block away. If you keep doing this, 
we’re going to have a wreck one of these days.” 
 
And what’s the problem? A man does not have as much difficulty, the 
average man, in spatial differences, so we can see where the car is. A 
woman does have a more difficult time seeing the distance of an 
 
object in front of them while you’re driving. I mean that’s a 
physiological difference, so we can relax as males knowing that there’s 
going to be that difference.  
 
But that’s not really the main reason why men react to a woman 
correcting his driving. My wife corrects me almost every time we get in 
the car. One of the reasons is that she had a major car accident when 
she was in high school, and a couple of her good friends were killed. 
And so, since that time, she’s been nervous about driving, you know, 
since high school. So, I understand that.  
 
Well, here’s the thing. When she says, “You’re not going to pass that 
car, are you?” or, “You’re too close to the edge.” or, “Slow down, will 
you, a little?”—when she says those things, you know what really 
bothers me, bugs me about it? Is that she’s pushing my main core 
fear. Like, if she says, “You’re not thinking of passing that car are 
you?” Bop! My core fear just lights right up in my heart, because it’s a 
deep, deep, deep fear I have, and actually, most males have, to be 
truthful with you. It’s very common for a man to hate and fear being 
controlled. 
 
In fact, we even interpret your suggestions for improving our marriage 
or improving me as trying to control us. I know that’s not your 
intention. You actually do want to be helpful. Which is excellent, 
except that we see it is as control. It’s my problem. Working with my 
own heart is my problem. 
 
And so, I have had the privilege, over the last three years, after I 
started understanding core fears, to learn everybody has them. You 
have either one or ten or twenty—you know, being invalidated, 
rejected, being controlled, being belittled. Oh, my core fear of being 
belittled—it’s just about equal with control. And so, when somebody’s 
correcting my driving, I’m being belittled and controlled. You know, my 
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heart just lights up like crazy. Well, the problem is that I recognize 
today I have a core fear. I work on my core fear.  
 
Do you know how to have a great marriage? When you commit 
yourself to your mate and you intend to love your mate until death 
separates you, then that means love. Do you know what love really 
is—at the heart of love? Serving somebody. Finding out what they 
need. What you can do to enrich their life. Looking for ways of being of 
service to that person.  
 
And my core fear of her somehow taking something away from me is 
the exact opposite of serving her. And so, when I get her—I often 
don’t get irritated anymore, because I work on myself everyday—but 
when she does correct my driving and I get a little, you know, now a 
little punch, you know, of being irritated, my core fear lights up—what 
I do now is I say, “Smalley, you know what you’re working on now 
everyday. You’re working on serving and loving and caring for your 
wife. Think about some things you can do right now to care for her. 
How about slowing down a little? How about stopping for directions?” 
You know, how about doing some things that really serve her? If you 
serve, that begins to soften your own core fears, and you don’t get so 
irritated at her correcting your driving.  
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