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iQuestions Faculty, Greg Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I need some time out from my children. How much privacy should I 
allow myself? 
 
Answer: 
 
One of the most challenging issues as a parent—but I tell you, 
especially for moms—is how much time is okay to take away from my 
kids and still feel like a good parent. 
 
You know, “If I was a good mom, then I wouldn’t need to take time 
away.” So, you have a lot of moms—I’ve heard this question so many 
times—who say, “I just feel so guilty. I’m feeling crowded, I’m feeling 
overwhelmed. I’m feeling exhausted, frustrated. Is it okay to take time 
away from my kids and take time away from my husband?”  
 
Let me say it this way: 100% yes. 
 
First of all, there is nothing selfish in that, because of this reason: you 
cannot give what you don’t have. As you get exhausted—parenting is 
exhausting—when you’re home with the kids all day, drawing baths, 
and cooking and cleaning, and all these things, you’re going to get 
tired. 
 
If you’re not taking time to refuel, if you’re not getting filled back up 
again—if you don’t have it, then what is it you have to give out? 
 
It’s kind of like this: think about the last time you were on an airplane. 
I can actually remember one of the weirdest times when I was on an 
airplane. I was with my middle child, Maddie. At the time, she was 
 
 
about three—very extroverted, likes to talk to people. I don’t like 
people, so I didn’t want to talk to anybody. We were at the front of the 
plane, she stands up in mid-flight, turns around and faces everybody—
I’m reading something, I wasn’t paying attention—and she screams 
out, top of her lungs, “HI!!” and scared about five rows of people.  
 
I thought the little oxygen masks were going to get out—gasp, gasp—
and they would have to get some oxygen. 
 
So, she goes, “Hi, my name is Maddie!”  
 
And so, people are like, “Hi, Maddie.” 
 
“And this, this is my daddy!” 
 
I kind of, you know, raise my hand a little bit. 
 
And then, all of a sudden, she goes, “And he spanks me!” in front of 
everybody. And I—what do you do in those moments? Of course I was 
embarrassed, and I wanted spank her right then and there. 
 
But I tell you, think about the last time you were on an airplane. 
Remember, when they start, the flight attendants start everything off, 
and they usually give us some instructions. What is one of the first 
things they say? They tell us how to buckle a seatbelt—and why they 
think that we don’t know how to do this, I’m not sure, but, hey, 
whatever. Remember, and then they say, “In the event of rapid 
depressurization of the airplane,” what will happen? “The oxygen mask 
will come down.”  
 
What do they tell you to do then, in the event you’re traveling with a 
small child? Do they tell you to put the oxygen mask on them first or 
onto you first? Because, sometimes you have to really pay attention. 
It’s not putting onto our kids first, which is against our natural bent. 
Smalley -2- 
 
 
We are protectors, and we should conserve and give to them first and 
foremost. But in that event, why do we need to put that mask on us 
first?  
 
The reason is this: if I pass out because of lack of oxygen, what good 
am I to anyone? How can I help my child if I’m lying there on the 
floor?  
 
That’s why, in that case, I’ve got to put that mask onto me first. And 
the same way in life. We all get exhausted—both dads and moms—but 
again, it seems like for dads, we sort of have permission to take time 
out and recharge. For women, it’s not always the case. But, again, it’s 
nothing selfish. Your ultimate goal is to serve and give to your family 
to get that. But you’ve got to have it first. 
 
So, what can you do? I would encourage you to do four things. Real 
quick: Number one, take care of the whole person. There’s the part of 
you, emotionally—what are you doing? Ask yourself, zero to ten, how 
am I doing at taking care of myself emotionally? Am I paying attention 
to what’s going on internally, by recognizing my feelings? What am I 
doing with those feelings? Am I stuffing them, or am I getting them 
out and talking to a husband, to my friends? 
 
So, “How am I doing, zero to ten, at taking care of myself 
emotionally?” 
 
Number two, then, is, “Zero to ten, how well am I taking care of 
myself physically? Am I running, am I eating right, am I getting plenty 
of sleep?” Again, that’s where I struggle. That’s usually the area that 
I’m weakest in. I do okay emotionally. I struggle with that one 
physically.  
 
Another area, mentally. You know, “What am I doing? Am I reading, 
am I taking time to learn and increase my knowledge?” Reading 
Smalley -3- 
 
 
books, going to the library, going on the internet—those kinds of 
things. Zero to ten, how are you doing there? 
 
The last area: spiritually. “How am I doing spiritually?” You know, “Am 
I doing the things that I need to be doing to increase my spiritual 
relationship?” 
 
Now, if you think about each one of those areas, if they’re not in 
balance, you know, it’s kind of like those mobiles we hang from the 
little cribs. As long as they’re all in balance, the mobile’s fine. It works 
as it’s intended to work. But if one of those things gets taken off, what 
happens to the whole mobile? It goes lopsided.  
 
If we’re not looking at each one of those areas, zero to ten—ten being 
the best, zero being the worst—“where am I?” And then taking the 
time, so that if you score a three or four in one of those areas, you 
know, really decide, “What can I do physically, emotionally, mentally, 
spiritually, so that I do a better job taking care of myself?”  
 
Because, in the end, remember: you have to have it in order to give it 
out. That is not, on any level, selfish. You have a unique opportunity to 
take excellent care of yourself, so that you can just give out as much 
love as you possibly have. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Smalley -4- 
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