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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg 
 
 
Question: 
 
I was independent while he was deployed. How can I transition back to 
being a partner—and not the leader—since he's returned? 
 
Answer: 
 
BARBARA ROSBERG: Thank you for serving! You have fought two 
wars—one in deployment; in releasing your mate, and one for the 
home. Thank you both for serving. We are so grateful. And, I think this 
is a great question to ask, for anyone who is reintegrating back into 
the home. 
 
DR. GARY ROSBERG: I think it is. You know, we admire single parents. 
A lot of single parents across this country are doing the job of a mom 
and a dad, a husband and a wife. But, we know that it really takes two 
to parent kids. It takes two to have a home. It takes two to have a 
household. 
 
But when one of you goes off to deployment, and you’re out defending 
this country, the other one is literally keeping the home fires burning. 
They’re taking care of things at home. And so, they step in, they 
become mom and they become dad. They become Mr. Fixit and Mrs. 
Fixit in the emotional needs and the financial needs. And, fixing water 
heaters and taking care of lawns, and all the stuff that happens. Then 
when the mate comes home from deployment, it’s hard to reintegrate. 
It’s hard to step back into your role. 
 
So, a couple of things it takes. Number one, it takes a lot of time. It 
takes a lot of patience, as well as time. It takes a willingness to talk 
 
about the areas. And, when you bump heads on stuff, to talk it 
through and really listen to one another.  
 
BARBARA: And don’t be threatened, if your husband comes home, and 
he asks you when you’re going to be home. Or, “Where have you 
been?” Or, “What’s going on.” Many times, if you’ve run the home, this 
can be a violation to you—an offense. I’m going to ask you to stand 
back and recognize that that’s a normal question. Many times, when 
we have been at the helm of control because of necessity, because of 
need, because we have to be on guard all the time, when we re-
acclimate and bring our husbands back into the home—or it could be 
your wives—there is time that you’re talking about that you need, in 
order to step back, so that they can step into position. And there will 
be an alignment. As he is in his role, you are in your role. You are not 
competing for the same role, but you are indeed complementary, and 
completing one another in your marriage. 
 
GARY: So, take time, be patient. Express the needs that you have. 
When you have a conflict, get through it, get over it, and realize that 
in time, this thing will begin to sort itself out. 
 
And as Barb and I, as a couple, and as parents and grandparents, we 
want to thank you for serving; both the one that deployed, as well as 
the one that stayed home. 
 
BARBARA: Yes indeed. And remember this, that your relationship in 
your marriage to your mate is far more important than any issue that 
may divide you. Remember this: your mate is not your enemy. Join 
together in a line, and experience that oneness and that joy that you 
long for. And whether you’ve experienced it before, or never 
experienced it, realize this: you can capture it now. So, do what you 
need to do. Step aside, and realign.  
 
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