To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
iQuestions Faculty, Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
I think my husband is too harsh on our teenage son. His expectations 
are too high. What is going on with him? 
 
Answer:  
 
What’s going on is that your husband’s got a bad case of the high-
jump bar of life. You know; the critical-eyed parent. If there’s one 
thing that we could eliminate in our country and around the world 
today, what would it be? A critical-eyed parent! I mean, if you wanted 
to defeat a kid, that’s how you do it. 
 
The high-jump bar of life works like this: no matter what a kid does, 
he could have done it better. And you’re the self-appointed god who’s 
going to point out your kid’s flaws. Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re 
talking about a teenager. They’re flawed by their nature. Everything 
they do is flawed. A simple pimple becomes what? Mount St. Helens. 
You know, “What are we having for dinner tonight?” “Ah, chicken.” 
“Ah, I hate chicken. You know I hate chicken.” You’re thinking, “This 
kid just had three helpings of chicken Thursday night.” You know what 
I’m saying? These kids are delicate. They’re changing. The hormones 
are raging. And the last thing they need is what? A critical-eyed 
parent! 
 
Now, for all of you first-born and only-born children and there’s a ton 
of you, okay? And I’m assuming that this husband in this question is 
just that; a first-born or only-born child. They walk around with this 
internal measuring stick, not only of themselves, but everyone else 
around them. Ask yourself, as a human being, as an adult; do you like 
 
being around critical people? Then why would your kids want to be 
around this critical-eyed father? 
 
The best scenario is that this kid comes home, and you ask him, “How 
was your day today at school, honey?” I’ll give you the answer, “Fine.” 
“What did you do in school today?” “Nothin’.” Or maybe they’re out for 
the evening, “Where you been?” “Out.” “What’d you do?” “Nothin.” 
Those are the kind of comments you’re gonna get. And then the kid’s 
gonna do what? He’s going to go into his room. He’s going to close his 
door. He’s going to get on his computer and he’s going to instant 
message his buddies. He’s going to enter the peer group where he 
finds what? Acceptance. 
 
You know what the truth of the matter is? That kid at the other end of 
the computer; the kid at the end of the phone can’t do one thing for 
your son; except what? Accept him for who he is. And that’s not 
what’s happening in the home. Why? Because of the high-jump bar of 
life.  
 
And those firstborns; those only children, those perfectionists, you 
know; your flaw-pickers. You get paid as an architect to do the 
building right. You get paid as an engineer or a math teacher or a 
draftsman to do life perfectly. But the perfection that you have in your 
life, as you turn to those that you love; works against you. It’s the one 
thing that’s going to separate you from your kid. It’s the one thing 
that’s going to make your kid go to other people and not you.  
 
A lot of people are great “should-ers.”  They “should” on their children. 
You “should” do this. You “should” do that. They’re the great 
improvers.  See, this didn’t start with your teenage son. It started 
when he was little. And he made his bed, and critical-eyed dad came 
over and said, “Great job, great job.” Which sounds good, and then 
what did he do? He fluffed up the pillow and straightened it out, and 
Leman -2- 
 
made it even better. What’s the message you sent to the kid? “You 
didn’t measure up.”  
 
I’m telling ya, I deal with adults like this every day in my life, who 
suffer from having a parent who hovered, who found the flaw, who 
over-corrected. What it does is defeat your kid. Do you want to turn 
your kid into a procrastinator, into a kid who starts a lot of projects 
and doesn’t finish them? Then be critical of him. So, you need to get 
behind closed doors with your husband, and he needs to do some soul 
searching. He needs to do some reading.  
 
I wrote a book called The Birth Order Book, which was a mega-
bestseller across the country. But you know one part of that book got 
tens of thousands of responses as soon as it was released, about; 
guess what? The critical-eyed parent.  The critical-eyed parent will 
turn that kid into a non-achiever. If there’s a child directly beneath 
that child; guess what the best guess is? That second child will 
overtake the first child. They will become the responsible one. See, the 
kid who grows up with a critical-eyed parent, you have to push him to 
get him to do anything; clean their room, do their homework, simple 
assignments. And here’s the tragedy of it all, those kids are usually 
extremely talented.  
 
You know, the Bible talks about the little rudder, that little tongue. You 
know parents; the words that you choose to use with your kids today 
makes a difference. I’m telling you right now, you have to be very 
careful about how you talk to your kids. You want to respond to your 
kids, not just react to your kids. And most of us, what do we do? We 
react. We see the flaw. We jump on it.  
 
What’s the message we’re sending to our kids? What’s the message? 
You didn’t measure up. You’re not good enough. Going through 
adolescence; keeping in mind that the simple pimple is Mount St. 
Helen’s; it’s a difficult time to go through. Parents, your son, your 
Leman -3- 
 
daughter does not need you hovering over them, finding their flaws, or 
their spotty attendance at church, or anything else. They’re like Swiss 
cheese. They’re riddled with flaws. They need encouragement. They 
need somebody to come aside them and encourage them in life. So, 
start catching them doing things right, and do some reading. 
 
Speaking of reading, I mentioned The Birth Order Book. There’s 
another book called Measuring Up, and that’s such a good resource for 
people like this. I tell you, people see their life before their eyes. So, 
you became the critical-eyed parent over a long period of time, and 
I’m telling you, you’ve got to start thinking differently.  
 
A social situation comes along with this same son. “Hey, Dad. Hey, 
Mom.”  
 
Listen. Stop. Ask yourself the question, “What do I normally do? I 
usually straighten up this or comment that this could be better.” 
What’s the new you going to do different? I’ve got news for you. You 
can read every “shrinky” book. You can watch Dr. Phil or Oprah till the 
cows come home, but they don’t get you to this juncture; where I’m 
trying to teach you right now. Because you have a choice, you can 
behave the old way with the same predictable results, or you can 
choose to begin behaving differently. If you choose to become a 
different kind of a dad, a different kind of a mom, you’re going to have 
a kid turn around right before your eyes. It’s like magic. And it works. 
 
 
 
 
Leman -4- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.