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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
When is child old enough to be spanked and how should it be done? 
 
Answer:  
 
Talk about a controversial question, “When do you spank a kid?” Well, 
I’ve been on many national TV programs defending the rights of 
parents to spank a child. But there are so many disclaimers involved; 
it’s unbelievable. And they always put me up against somebody like 
the late Mr. Rogers. Some guy who just wouldn’t hurt a fly; who talks 
about “relationships and love, love, love, love. . . .” And here I come 
across like Roger the Barbarian. You know? 
 
Well, it’s a difficult topic, for sure, and here’s my basic advice; as basic 
as I can make it. Number one: there are times when spanking is a 
very appropriate disciplinary measure.  
 
Now, by spanking, let’s define that. I’m talking about an open hand on 
a kid’s toosh, bum-bum, behind; whatever you want to call it. Now, 
there’s controversy right there. Because there are people, who I 
respect and love, who teach, “You’ve got to get a neutral object.” Well, 
let me take that on. I think it’s the same loving hand that helps a child 
up when he falls, or helps him over a mud puddle; is the same loving 
hand that administers discipline.  
 
And sometimes physical discipline is the best discipline. For example, 
your toddler is running toward a street. You’ve told him “no,” and you 
go and you grab him by the arm and bring him back. What happens a 
second time? I think that’s a good time for a swat on the back of their 
behind, just to get their attention and to reinforce it. 
 
 
Well, your son insists on trying to stick a fork in an electrical outlet. Or 
better yet, your three-year-old looks you in the eye and defiantly says, 
“NO!” That would be a real good time to give them a shot on the tail. 
 
Now, I’m telling you, I’m a psychologist. It’s not going to damage their 
psyche for life. They’re not going to be wounded. The Lemans have 
raised five kids. We’ve got kids from thirty-four to fourteen; which 
sounds like a football game that went south; but you know what? We 
spanked our kids an aggregate number; eight times—five kids. You do 
the math. 
 
I think spanking should never be administered before age two. As 
parents, we overuse “no” way, way, way too much with kids early in 
life. And too many parents are spanking their kids. If you’re spanking 
your kid all the time, I think you’ve got to stop and ask yourself, 
“What kind of a relationship do we have here?” That’s not a healthy 
relationship. Ask yourself how you feel as a parent. You feel lousy. You 
know, who wants to start the day beating the tar out of your kids? 
 
And speaking of beating the tar out of them; I gotta go back to this 
point: I’ve been a keynote speaker of Parents Anonymous. I know 
something about child abuse. I’ve seen it firsthand. It’s ugly; it’s 
terrible. And there’s a tremendous difference between a swat on a 
child’s behind for corrective measure and beating a kid; that is child 
abuse. 
 
Unfortunately, a lot of people; especially people in the church, in 
particular—have taken this one on. And they abuse kids in the name of 
the Lord, which I think is downright sick and obviously wrong. 
 
So, spanking a child? Never before two. How long would you spank a 
child? As little as possible. It would be a last resort in our home.  
 
Leman -2- 
 
One of our kids who is a very normal kid, who has grown up very well, 
she’s never got a spanking. We’ve got another child who never got a 
spanking. That’s two of five. What is that? Forty percent of the Leman 
children never got a swat. The first one got more than her fair share, 
but she was a powerful little buzzard. She came out of the womb 
screaming.  
 
Some kids are going to need more corrective measures than others. 
But again, you’re the parent. If you’re going to spank a child, you 
must be in control of your emotions. You don’t strike in anger. Ever. 
Ever. Ever. 
 
And check this out: if you were abused as a kid, don’t use physical 
punishments; no matter what. There are lots of other avenues to use 
for disciplining children. You can “hit ‘em where it hurts” without ever 
hitting them physically. That’s the key.  
 
Want a source to read? The book Making Children Mind without Losing 
Yours takes on this delicate question and I think I do a pretty thorough 
job of it. 
Leman -3- 
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