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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
How can I discipline my strong-willed firstborn, without breaking his 
spirit? 
 
Answer:  
 
You know, if there’s one kid who respects discipline, it’s the firstborn 
son or daughter. Do you know they earn a living looking up at you, 
mom and dad? They take notes on how you live your life. They’re the 
most likely to be the Judge Judy or the late Judge Wapner in the 
family. They know exactly how life ought to be. They’re most adult-
like. 
 
There’s not a firstborn watching me right now who has not said to their 
mom or dad, “Wait a minute. You’re not going to let her do that, are 
you? You never let me do that when I was her age!” 
 
So, what do you do with disciplining a firstborn? Expect the very best 
of them. Give the expectation that they’re going to behave. That’s one 
of the best blessings you can give to a firstborn son. They are the 
leader of the pack. Give them honor in that home. Make sure the 
firstborn is the last one to go to bed at night. If you say, “Well, my 
firstborn son, he gets tired before his second-born brother. He’s 
usually in bed before him,” I don’t care who goes to bed first, as long 
as the firstborn knows that he has privilege and rank. 
 
See, you’ve got to get behind the firstborn’s eyes to see how they see 
life. He’s just three years old and he hears a new word. “Pregnancy!” 
And soon he learns that his mommy is going to go away to the 
hospital and bring him home a special present. When he soon figures it 
 
out, guess what? He could have well done without that surprise. And 
home from the hospital comes; “the thing.” And before long, you know 
what the firstborn is thinking? “Uh, I think they’re going to keep it!” 
And that’s when sibling rivalry starts. It’s the smart parent who tells 
the firstborn, right from the get-go, “Honey, did you know the baby 
has to take this many naps a day? But you’re a big boy. You only take 
one nap a day.” 
 
What I’m saying is, early in life, you build a case. Now, we’re talking 
about discipline. Remember, discipline is a way of life. You want your 
firstborn to have balance. And, he gets balance by knowing his rightful 
place. 
 
You know, the state you live in is going to treat your firstborn and your 
second-born differently. Your firstborn at sixteen is going to be driving, 
in all probability, while the fourteen-year-old is wishing, and the 
twelve-year-old is dreaming. So, don’t be afraid to treat your kids 
differently.  
 
Be teachable, now. Tell them what you expect. Watch how they live up 
to their expectations. When they don’t, when you need to discipline 
them, gently redirect them. Say, “Honey, I know you made an effort, 
but that really has to be done over again. We’re going to have 
company and everybody’s got to pitch in and help.” In other words, 
you go alongside them.  
 
Watch the criticism of the firstborn. It will blow out their candle 
quickly. Look for things they do well. “Hey, great job! I’ll bet you’re 
proud of yourself for the grades you got.” See the difference? You’re 
responding to what the kid does. The takeaway for the kid is what? 
“Mom and Dad notice I’m living life right.” 
 
So, don’t be afraid to slip your kid that commercial announcement. It 
says, “Mom and Dad, as old and out of it as we are, see that you are 
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doing life well.” So, keep in mind that discipline is adding balance to 
your kid’s life, and a belief that you believe the best of him. And tell 
him this: “No matter what happens in life, no matter what you do in 
life, guess what? I love you no matter what.” 
 
If you do that with your firstborn, he or she will become the leader of 
the pack in a positive way, and not a negative way. Who knows? They 
might grow up to be a president or an astronaut. Did you know that 
out of the first 23 astronauts, 21 were firstborn children? The other 
two were only children. Not a middle child or a baby in sight. Think 
about it.  
 
 
  
 
 
 
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