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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
What’s the best way to discipline a child in a balanced way—not too 
strict and not too easy? 
 
Answer:  
 
What a great question. You know, if I could give five stars for a 
question that would be it. You want to rear a kid in a balanced 
manner. Now, think about it. Most of us grew up in authoritarian 
homes. I know I did. I had an eighth-grade educated, Irish Catholic 
father who had a booming voice. And he would say, “Hey! You listen 
up; you’re going to do what I tell you to do!” 
 
“Hey, you get that look off your face right now, or I’ll change it for 
you. You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry 
about!” 
 
Now, those kind of parents are still around. But, they’re fading in 
numbers quickly, and they’ll be replaced with a permissive parent, the 
avant-garde, “want-to-be-my-child’s-best-friend” parent. They have 
conversations with their kids like this: “Brittney, Tyler, McKenzie, 
Colton. It’s 8:00 p.m. Have you chosen to go to bed yet?” 
 
What? Chosen to go to bed? If my father could here that! I mean, in 
the Leman household, it was, “Hey! It’s 8 o’clock. Do you want to go 
to bed under your own power? Do you want to be carried to bed? 
Ricocheted to bed?” But the point was, “You’re going to bed.” 
 
 
Now, between those extremes—and, by the way, the permissive 
parents don’t want their kids to fail at anything. “Britney plays 
lacrosse, but they don’t keep score.” 
 
What? What do you mean?  
 
“Well, we believe every child should be a winner!” 
 
Oh, if I only had a gun. Pow! That’s about as dumb a thing as I could 
possibly think of. The home needs to be a place where kids learn to 
fail. I know it’s un-American. But ask yourself, when did your life turn 
around? Out of victory? Or, out of failure? You know; if you’re a 
believer in Almighty God, let me tell you that your life had to turn 
around out of, what? Out of failure.  
 
Now, we talked about the authoritarian. They run over kids. They rule 
with an iron hand. Not a good way to bring up kids. But, neither is 
permissiveness; where permissiveness reigns. Parents are doing far 
too many things for their kids. “Hey! Would you kids turn that TV 
down? I’m trying to do your homework!” Or maybe you’ve gone to the 
science fair, and you see the one project that was actually done by a 
child, himself. There’s usually one of them there. 
 
In between those two extremes is something we call “the authoritative 
parent,” and that’s what I want you to strive to be; the authoritative 
parent. What does that mean? You stand in healthy authority over 
your children. 
 
You know, if you’re a person of faith, let me ask you this question: is 
God an authoritarian? Does God come down and grab us by the scruff 
of the neck or the earlobe and twist it and say, “You will acknowledge 
me!” No! God is not an authoritarian—but God is the ultimate 
authority.   
 
Leman -2- 
 
And in the home, we represent that authority; if you’re a person of 
faith. So, you need to be in healthy authority over your children. 
“What does that mean, Doctor?” It means you don’t take any guff from 
little Buford or Festus, at any time, under any circumstances.  
 
A special note to you moms who are raising sons: don’t let that son 
badmouth you, run over you, and take you for granted, ever. Why? 
Because you represent to your son what women are all about. It’s 
really important for you to learn to hold your standards with this kid, 
so he doesn’t take license with you. 
 
So, we want to work towards that balance-beam of life, as I call it. The 
authoritative parent holds the kids accountable for their actions. 
Expects the best of them in all situations, and loves them, no matter 
what. You can get mad at what they do without getting mad at them. 
It’s a balance-beam. Further reading? Making Children Mind Without 
Losing Yours. It’s a classic. 
 
 
Leman -3- 
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