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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do I deal with my daughter who constantly challenges my 
authority and always asks, “Why do I have to do this?” 
 
Answer:  
 
You have a powerful daughter on your hands. Now, here’s the key 
question: “Do you know this child’s parent.” Guess what? You or your 
spouse is a powerful parent. Power is your game.  
 
I’ve got news for you folks. Your son, your daughter—either sex—they 
don’t learn to become powerful without a role model. And what 
happens is, this kid is just giving you a good old power struggle.  
 
Think about it for a moment. What kid in the family do we butt heads 
with the most? Want to add some humor to it? Guess what? She’s the 
most like you are. It’s the two powerful people that butt heads. The 
ones that are very different get along in a very natural sense. It’s so in 
marriage, it’s so with rearing kids today. 
 
So, don’t get into power struggles with that kid. That’s the kid that’s 
going to challenge you, okay? Learn to tell them once. As soon as you 
go twice, you’ve set precedent [of inaction], and that kid is going to 
become more powerful. So, tell them once. You ask them to do 
something, if that’s the case, and it doesn’t happen, the follow through 
with some discipline—not punishment. Discipline.  
 
Discipline means that this is going to be a teachable moment, and this 
child is going to learn from this situation. And if you do that, you’re 
going to dissuade that child from becoming powerful.  
 
 
 
Temper-tantrums. I like to call them power-tantrums. Why? Because 
it’s a way the kid exerts power over the adult. So, you want to take 
yourself out of that situation. And what happens is, the child starts 
blowing and challenging and saying, “Why do I have to do this?” and 
what do you do? You flex your muscles and you get your sails up in 
front of your wind. And what happens? Their wind catches your sails, 
puts you right against the wall behind you, and all of a sudden you’re 
angry, striking out, and a situation that started like this is now a major 
explosion. So, you need to know how to side-step those power 
struggles. 
 
Now, this is what I want you to remember: fighting is an act of 
cooperation. When your child challenges you, and then you say, 
“Because I told you, that’s why. I’m your mother,” now you’ve 
cooperated in fighting with your son or your daughter, and it’s just 
going to escalate from there.  
 
So, you learn to say it once, button it up, walk away. With young 
children, watch what happens. They follow you. Their goal is to drive 
you up the proverbial wall. You lose when you engage in fighting with 
your kids. So, you learn to tell them once, you walk away, and watch 
what happens. It’s sort of fun to watch them work for it.  
 
Keep in mind, they don’t want you to be disappointed in them. I think 
one of the most powerful things you can say to a kid is, “I’m very 
disappointed in what happened here.” 
 
 
 
 
Leman -2- 
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