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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
Can false praise harm my child? 
 
Answer:  
 
You know, we live in a time where parents feel they have to praise 
everything kids do; no matter what. Whether they make a good effort, 
a poor effort, a mediocre effort; they get praised. It’s the mentality 
that everybody on the team gets a trophy. “Everybody’s a winner,” 
nobody loses.  
 
Well, one morning, I’m having my cup of coffee, as I normally do, and 
I’m in a restaurant. I’m reading USA Today magazine, and stumble 
across an article on false praise. And they chose as the setting Little 
League Baseball. Well, believe it or not, I used to play Little League 
Baseball. I was a Little League All-Star. There was a time when my 
body resembled what a body ought to look like.  Long story short; I’m 
reading this article, and all of a sudden, I started snorting my coffee. 
You remember as a kid; you’d be drinking Pepsi Cola or something in 
the summertime, and someone would say something funny, and all of 
a sudden you find yourself snorting Pepsi and it was going all over the 
place? Well, I was reading this article, and I come to this part about a 
Little Leaguer who strikes out on three straight pitches.  
 
Now, it’s a miracle that the pitcher could throw the ball over the plate 
three times in a row. The kid never even offers to swing at it. And the 
young parents, after this little kid strikes out, are screaming approval: 
“Great at bat, Matthew! Great at bat!”  
 
 
I’ve got news for you, Matthew. It was a lousy at bat. To use baseball 
terminology; you caved, you struck out, you little loser. No, don’t get 
mad, don’t write me a letter. But do you know what would have been 
helpful, instead of doing that? After the game, to come up to little 
Matthew and say, “Hey, rough day at the plate, eh? 0 for 3. Hey, you 
know, I’m going to be home early on Thursday night and Wednesday 
night, too. Come to think of it, if you would like me to take you down 
to the park and throw you some pitches, I’d be more than glad to do 
that, if you think that would help.” But we live in an era where we feel 
like we have to praise everybody.  
 
Now, let me give you just a little quick teaching on praise versus 
encouragement. We really believe in America that praise is good for 
children. Walk out in the streets of your hometown and ask people, “Is 
praise good for children?” “Well, of course it is.” But I’m here to tell 
you, it’s not only bad for your kid; it’s destructive. And it’s not what 
most parents want to communicate to their kid. Do you really want to 
communicate to your kid, “I approve of what you did”? You know, 
you’re sort of setting them up to be a little carrot-seeker in life. Like, 
“I did something good. Where’s my carrot?” 
 
Now, I personally believe that Almighty God is worthy of our praise. 
One of the Leman sayings is, “Praise God. All others pay cash.” You 
know what I’m saying? That you and I fall short.  
 
Well, am I saying we don’t want to encourage kids? No. We want to 
encourage kids. But there’s a tremendous difference in praise and 
encouragement. Praise goes right to the actor, where encouragement 
goes to the act.  
 
Let’s take an example: you come into your kitchen, ladies, and you left 
it a mess, and you walk in, and it’s a clean, sparkling kitchen. 
Everything’s put away. You’re stupefied. You don’t know what to do. 
You flip a U-ee, go outside, and check the number on the house. 
 
You’re at the right address. You come back in to find your thirteen-
year-old son, little Fletcher, putting away the dishtowels. And you say 
to Fletcher, “Fletcher, did you clean this up?” “Sure did, Mom.” “Oh, 
you’re such a good boy. Mommy is so blessed to have you. Here’s ten 
dollars.” 
 
Now, you’ve not only praised him, but you rewarded the little sucker 
with a ten-dollar bill. “What’s wrong with that, Leman?” There’s a lot 
wrong with it. Because the next day, he’s back: “Hey, Mom, where’s 
my ten dollars?”  
 
“What ten dollars? What are you talking about?”  
 
“The ten dollars for today.” 
 
“What ten dollars for today?” 
 
“Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, and you gave me ten bucks. I 
cleaned it again today. Where’s my ten?” 
 
Is that really what you want to do? Or would you rather use 
encouragement? Listen to the difference. It’s subtle. A subtle 
difference, but not in terms of how the kid receives it. That’s the key.  
 
You come into that same room that was once trashed. And now it’s 
clean. And you say to Fletcher, “Fletcher, did you clean this?”  
 
“Sure did, Mom.” 
 
“Oh, honey! What a pleasant surprise. Thank you. I appreciate that so 
much.” 
 
There’s your takeaway. There’s your self-esteem.  
 
 
So, try to think in encouraging terms. “Hey, now you’re getting it! 
Hey, great job! 4 for 4. Looked like you were having a great time out 
there tonight.”  
 
“Wow, 97 on your test. You must be proud of that. That must make 
you feel good inside.” 
 
Do you see the difference? It’s not, “Oh, what a wonderful kid you 
are.” It’s, “Your effort, your extra studying has really paid off.” There’s 
the encouragement. Think about it. There’s a tremendous difference 
between praise and encouragement. Be an encourager.  
 
 
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