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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
I thought having children would bring my husband and I closer 
together, not drive us apart?  
 
Answer:  
 
You know, we reared five kids. And I look around today at young 
families and I see a couple of things. Number one: young families, 
moms and dads, want to make sure their child is happy, happy, 
happy. “Oh, Dr. Leman, we’re so glad you’ve join us this evening in 
Omaha, because we, too, want happy, happy, happy children.” Just a 
question: “Why do you want ‘em happy?” There’s something very 
healthy about an unhappy child. You know, for parents who feel like 
that, these kids have turned into the enemy. I mean, I’ve said in one 
of my books; “We have seen the enemy and they are small, and 
they’re unionized.” And I’m telling ‘ya, they’ll drain you of everything 
you’ve got to give them.  
 
So, if your head is such that you want to make sure your kids are 
happy, happy, happy at every turn in life—good luck. They will take 
everything out of you. They’ll take your energy. They’ll take your 
spirit. A lot people think, “Yeah, these kids are going to bring us 
together.” No. They’ll drive a wedge between you. But why? Because 
you failed to establish limits. Kids are kids; we’re the adults. We’re the 
ones who set the limits.  
 
So, there are those parameters, you know. I’m no Bible scholar, but 
there’s a verse in the Book of Jude, which is tucked in just before all 
hell breaks loose there in Revelations. And it’s an interesting verse. It 
says, “Always stay within the boundaries where God’s love can reach 
 
and bless you.” What would this life be like we live in, if everybody just 
stayed within the boundaries?  Kids need to have boundaries, and 
you’re the parent. That’s what discipline is all about. So, kids do not 
have the right to interrupt your phone conversations. They do not 
have the right to interrupt you at other inappropriate times. They’re 
the kids. We’re the parents. Do we treat them with respect and 
kindness? Yes, we do. We model that. But that doesn’t mean we let 
kids have their own way. It means we give them Vitamin N, which is 
“No.”  
 
“Well, Dr. Leman, do you really think it’s appropriate to say, ‘No,’ to a 
child? I mean, won’t they not like us?” Hey, this is the job of a parent, 
to give your kid Vitamin N and Vitamin E, which is encouragement. 
That’s your job. It’s not a popularity contest. So, if you’re one of those 
parents whose feeling like these kids are drawing us apart, it’s 
because you’re trying to be too good of a parent, in essence. You’re 
trying to make sure they’re happy at every turn. It doesn’t work that 
way.  
 
Two kids are fighting at the breakfast table. “He touched me, Mom. He 
touched me. He looked at me, Mom. He looked at me.” Now, there’s a 
criminal offense; looking at his brother. Those are the kind of little 
traps that kids set for us. We walk right into them with, “All right. Who 
started it? Who did this? Who did that?” You know, fighting is an act of 
cooperation. Two kids are fighting. Pick them up. Remove them from 
the scene. Put them in their room. “Well, Dr. Leman, if I do that they’ll 
be late for school.” Fine. That’s really good that they’re late for school. 
Now, write a note.  
 
Let me help you write a note: “Dear Teacher, Dear Principal, little 
Buford and Fletcher have absolutely no reason to be late today for 
school. They chose to fight at the breakfast table. Feel free to do 
whatever you do to kids who are usually tardy. Love, Mom.”  
 
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That usually does it. What are we saying? We’re saying, “Discipline 
these little suckers.” They’re asking you to stand up and be a parent. 
If you do that, you’re not going to be asking the question, “How come 
these kids are driving us apart?” They’re driving us apart, because 
there’s an organized plan. They’re unionized. They know exactly what 
to do to demand—demand attention from you. They’re kids. They need 
our love, respect, affirmation, discipline, but they don’t need to be 
happy at all times. 
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