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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do I keep my kids from fighting so much? 
 
Answer:  
 
How do you keep kids from fighting? Now there’s an age-old question. 
You know, fighting has been around for a long time. I’m the author of 
The Birth Order Book, and very few people know this, but when the 
book was in manuscript form; that is I was sending these eight to 
eleven pages to the publisher, I had as a working title, “Abel Had It 
Coming.” The publisher said, “You can’t have a title like that, Leman.” 
I said, “Why not? It’s got a nice little family flavor to it.” 
 
Kids have been fighting since day one. That’s as old as time itself. But 
you know what? As a parent what we tend to do is we play the judge 
and jury game. The kids are into a hassle and we walk in there; come 
charging in there; push open the bedroom door and the kids are 
having a pillow fight, for example. “All right, what’s going on in here? 
Who started it?” “He did, daddy.” Notice how kids point at each other. 
 
And when we get in there, we’ll say things we would never say to our 
friends at work or our Sunday School class. Or, we make a fool of 
ourselves. We slam the door with, “And that’s final!”  What do the kids 
do behind closed doors? “Did you see the veins on his neck pop out? I 
never saw them pop out that far before.” I’m convinced that kids do 
some of that stuff for their own amusement. They want to see us get 
exercised. 
 
Two kids fighting. Pick them up and remove them from the scene. 
What does that mean? Depending on where you live and the weather; 
 
put them outside. Close the door and lock the door. Go back to 
watching TV. “You’re kidding.” No, I’m not kidding. They won’t fight 
outside. Why? They fight to get us needlessly involved in their hassles. 
Don’t try and ferret it out. It’s useless. They deserve each other. Put 
some humor in it. 
 
Sometimes when kids are really slugging it out, you might want to put 
them in different rooms, for obvious reasons. But, if you’ve got kids 
nine, ten, eleven years old, most of the fighting is verbal pawing. 
They’re just trying to get a leg up on their brother or sister. Why? 
Because they’re immature and competitive that’s all. So, don’t get 
impressed with it. If you don’t get impressed with their fighting then 
it’s not the end of the world. Remove them from the scene. Put them 
outside.  
 
You know; if I was consulting a group of classroom teachers and they 
said; “What do you do with attention-getters?” You know what I’d say? 
I’d say, “Okay, everybody, put your work down and everybody look at 
little Harvey.” And everyone would stare at Harvey for five minutes. 
“Oh no, I want everybody to look at Harvey.” Everybody is looking at 
little Harvey. There he is the little show-off. When the five minutes are 
up, I’d say, “OK, class, back to work.” 
 
Like a Pavlovian dog, when the bell rings for recess the kids begin to 
flee the classroom. “Excuse me, everybody remain in their seat. We 
have to make up the five minutes we wasted looking at Harvey.” Do 
you believe in peer pressure? I do. It’s a wonderful way, in the 
classroom, to make the point. 
 
Do you get my point? You need to be able to hold your child 
accountable for the things they do in life. That’s what life’s all about. 
You’re the parent. Stand up and hold your kids accountable for what 
they do and what they say. 
Leman -2- 
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