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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg 
 
 
Question: 
 
How can I relearn who my spouse is after being separated for so long?  
 
Answer: 
 
DR. GARY ROSBERG: This is a great question, because any separation 
means that when you come back together, there’s going to be an 
adjustment. 
 
BARBARA ROSBERG: You want to rediscover the love of your life all 
over again. And so, if I were your wife, and you were asking me this 
question, I would be thrilled, because that means you’re wanting to 
connect. Gary, let’s tell them how to do that. 
 
GARY: Well, connection means time. First of all, time together. It 
means time on the calendar. It means that you need to invest in the 
relationship; you need to be vigilant; you need to be purposeful. And 
you know what, guys? It’s fun to do this. 
 
Secondly, check your expectations. This thing isn’t going to get re-
cemented overnight. You’ve been apart from each other. You’ve had to 
cope. You’ve had to create some independence. What you need to do 
is recreate that interdependence that makes a healthy marriage. That 
means you rely upon each other. You put the wall down between the 
two of you. And let each other in to your thoughts, and your feelings 
and your needs.  But I think it also means you’ve got to take some 
risk. And when you’re taking risk in a marriage relationship, it means 
that you talk about some of the fears that you had during the 
separation. It means that you open up in the areas where maybe you 
struggle a little bit. You can’t do all of that overnight. But, you can 
 
begin to take some steps today to reconnect in your marriage 
relationship. 
 
BARBARA: I cannot imagine any wife, if her husband turned to her and 
said, “Sweetheart, I just want to take our marriage to the next level,” 
not asking herself, “What can I do in order to take us into a great 
marriage?” Well, as a wife listens to her husband initiating and 
choosing to connect, your wife is the expert, and she will tell you. So 
often, I understand that men have this silent question they’re always 
asking, and that is this: “Tell me what to do.” But we, as wives, don’t 
know that that’s the question of your heart.  
 
If you ask your wife what it will take to have a great marriage, and she 
assesses it, she will tell you; whether it’s time; whether it’s just 
talking. Maybe it’s being deliberate, intentional, and taking 10-20 
minutes per day sitting in your two chairs in the living room or in the 
kitchen. And those are your chairs, and you talk about your day, and 
you focus on one another, and you grow towards oneness in your 
marriage. You want to take your marriage from good to great. 
 
GARY: And, as you’re doing it, be sure you date your mate. 
Sometimes, those are just going to be fun dates, going out. Other 
times, you’ll unpack some different things as you listen to each other. 
But folks, realize that it took time to build that independence, and now 
you’re recreating that oneness that you really need in a healthy 
marriage. So, take the time to do that. Just stay the course on this 
thing. Don’t give up—don’t give up. Just stay the course, and I think 
you’re going to experience a great marriage on the other end. 
 
 
 
 
 
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