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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
What do you do when your 12-year-old uses four letter words in 
anger? 
 
Answer:  
 
Hey, what a great question! My goodness that reminds me of a call 
that I got; a panic call through the doctor’s directory. This lady found 
me on a Saturday morning. And I mean, I thought there was a death 
in the family. She was absolutely hysterical. Her twelve-year-old son 
came down that morning and went off on her with four-letter-words a 
‘flyin. 
 
The terrible thing about this, as I think about this particular incident, 
was that this kid was adopted, and he was adopted from birth. This 
mother put all of her heart and soul into rearing this kid, only to hear 
words that she didn’t think her kid was capable of getting out of his 
mouth; the filthiest four-letter-words. He just went off on her in a fit of 
anger. 
 
Well, she runs me down on a Saturday morning. And I’ll tell you, it 
took me about twenty minutes to talk her down. Just to the point 
where we could get a conversation because she wasn’t just crying; she 
was wailing. She just didn’t know what to do. She was absolutely 
devastated by this twelve-year-old’s words. 
 
Well, what do you do when those things happen? Well, we must have 
talked for a good forty to forty-five minutes on the phone, and I told 
her; “It’s good that you didn’t overreact at that point. And she said, 
“Yeah, but I need to know what to do.” And I said, “Well, we need to 
 
look for a teachable moment where you can really have that kid’s 
heart and mind open to the words you have to say. Because obviously, 
you can’t be in a position where you’re going to tolerate that kind of 
stuff in your home. Why? Because, you have to be in healthy authority 
over that twelve-year-old.”  
 
As a sidebar: moms represent to their sons what women are all about 
and they need to command respect from those sons. 
 
Well anyway, toward the end of the interview, she says to me, “Well, 
what am I supposed to do about Divisionals?” And I go, “What?”  
 
“Divisionals. He’s a hotshot goalie on a team.  He plays on a city team 
that travels and today’s the Divisionals, and. . . .” And I said, “Wait a 
minute. Divisionals, today? Thank you, God! All right, here’s what 
we’re going to do. . . .”  
 
When he came bouncing down the stairs some two hours later after 
this incident, and after we had talked, he says very glibly, “Come on 
mom, we’ve gotta go.” She looks at him and says, “Go where?” “Hello, 
earth to mom! I’ve got a soccer game. I’ve got to be there early. 
We’ve got Divisionals.”  
 
She says, in a very matter-of-fact tone, “I’m sorry honey the car isn’t 
going anywhere and neither are you.”  
 
“What is wrong with you? We’ve gotta be there!”  
 
“Honey, I think you know what’s wrong with me.” Now, listen to her 
tone. She’s not angry; she’s just stating the fact.  
 
But now the twelve-year-old is beginning to scramble like an NFL 
quarterback on a Sunday afternoon. He knows he’s in deep doo-doo. 
And he says very matter-of-factly, “Well, you’re mad about this 
Leman -2- 
 
morning.” And she says with tears in her eyes, “I can’t believe you 
talked to me the way you did.” Well now, the kid does what? He has a 
melt-down. “Mommy, I’m really sorry about what I said.” 
 
And again, there is a reassurance at that point; “I love you and I care 
about you. I just have a hard time understanding why you would go 
off on me like that.” And after they embrace and after the hug and the 
kiss guess what the twelve-year-old comes back with? “Come on mom, 
we have to hurry up or we’re going to be late!”  
 
“I told you honey, the car’s not going anywhere today, and neither are 
you.” 
 
That’s what we call reality discipline. And that’s a wonderful teachable 
moment for this mom, and for any mom who wants to be in healthy 
authority over her son. Oh, and by the way, I know a lot of you are 
thinking, “Well, Dr. Leman, doesn’t he have responsibility to his 
teammates and his coach? I mean, after all, it is a Divisional game.” 
Yeah, he does. He’s got a big responsibility to his coach and his 
teammates.  
 
But my question is; what’s the bigger issue? That he learns to respect 
his mom in the home or shows up at that game? So, who’s the one 
who’s accountable for calling the coach and saying, “I’m not going to 
be there?” Chances are the coach isn’t at home; is he? The coach is 
going to wonder where the heck he is.  
 
But after the game, and after they lose the game because they didn’t 
have their little hotshot goalie; he’s the one who has to pony up and 
call the coach and tell him what happened. You know, no coach wants 
to lose his star, but you know if that coach is a dad, he’s going to 
understand the wisdom in mom’s actions. 
Leman -3- 
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