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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
What do you do when your four-year-old says “I hate you”? 
 
Answer: 
 
What could be worse than having your little four-year-old ankle-biter 
in the van say, “Mommy, I hate you”? You know, the truth of the 
matter is that kids will say that these days. It’s just part and parcel of 
our permissive society we all live in. The question is; what do you do 
when you pick your four-year-old up from preschool, and he says, “I 
hate you”? 
 
Well, let me tell you what one mom did, after reading Making Children 
Mind without Losing Yours. As she was driving home from preschool, 
her four-year-old cut loose, and, you know, she was hurt; she was 
wounded. How is any woman going to feel when her four-year-old, and 
again, she pushed 10 ½ hours to bring this little guy into life, and all 
of a sudden, here comes these words? She’s absolutely devastated. 
Well, what do you do? Do you stop in traffic? Do you wail the tar out of 
the kid? No. You just keep driving. You keep your mouth shut. You 
don’t react. Again, we’re going to respond, not react. 
 
Well, mom comes home — and you know, the interesting thing about 
little kids is they’re creatures of habit. Every day after preschool, 
guess what the four-year-old gets? Chocolate chip cookies and milk. 
Well, mom goes into the house. She obviously brought her four-year 
with her, and she goes about her business. Well, it takes a few 
moments for the four-year-old to discover what is going on, and he 
says, “Mommy, Mommy, where’s my chocolate chip cookies?” “Honey, 
we’re not going to have chocolate chip cookies today.” 
 
 
 
Now, listen to what she does. She turns her back on her four-year-old, 
and begins to walk to another room. Well, what do you suppose the 
four-year-old does? Four-year-old follows mommy. The four-year-old, 
not knowing what’s going on, comes back a second time and says, 
“Mommy, Mommy, I just don’t understand. What’s going on? We 
always have chocolate chip cookies when I come home from school.”  
“Honey, we’re not having chocolate chip cookies today.” 
 
Now, listen to the tone in her voice. She’s just stating a fact. And now, 
she turns her back a second time. You tell me, where have you read in 
a book, turn your back on your child? Well, you’ll read it in Kevin 
Leman’s books, because this is part of the action plan.  
 
You turn your back again. Find another room in the house to go to and 
notice that this time he’s a little more animated: “But Mommy, 
Mommy, I just don’t understand. This has never happened before. 
How come we aren’t going to have cookies?”  
 
Now you’ve got his attention. Now there’s a teachable moment. His 
ears are open, his heart is open, now give him a teachable moment.  
“Honey, Mommy didn’t appreciate the way you talked to me in the car 
on the way home from school.” Turn your back and walk, but this 
time, listen. Listen for what? The meltdown.  
 
[crying:] “Mommy, I’m sorry for what I said in the car.” They have a 
meltdown, right there. Now, here’s the hard part. He’s cuter than a 
bug’s ear. He looks like his father. He’s got long eyelashes. This is a 
vulnerable moment for you, because this is your flesh and blood.  
 
He’s melting down, and he said he’s sorry. What do you do? Do you 
say, “Drop dead, kid”? No. You hug him, you love on him. You say, 
“Honey, I don’t want you to talk like that,” and you reassure your child 
that you love him, and you give him a hug and a kiss. That’s great. 
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But watch what that powerful little buzzard says next: “Mommy, can I 
have my chocolate chip cookies and milk now?” 
 
Now, here’s a teachable moment. “No, honey. I told you, we’re not 
going to have chocolate chip cookies today.” You know what we call 
that? Discipline. You need to get good at it. And your son needs to get 
it as much as possible. And, if you do that he will thrive and grow up 
to be an adult that you can be proud of someday.  
 
 
 
 
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