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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
My wife gets angry. What can I do? 
 
Answer:  
 
Thanks for the great question about anger. Quite frankly, it’s 
refreshing to understand that women can get angry, too. So many 
times we get painted—us men, that is—that we’re the angry ones. 
 
You know, the best sermon I ever heard from a pastor is how to be 
good and angry. I love those words, because I think you can be angry 
without ripping people. 
 
But here’s what happens, as a parent. Your kids are misbehaving, 
they’re doing something wrong, and you’re telling yourself, “It’s going 
to go away. They’re going to stop.” Mistake number one. And the 
anger begins to build in you.  
 
[blows air into balloon] 
 
And they continue, and you finally say something, but they’re kids, 
and they ignore you. 
 
[blows more air into balloon] 
 
And you get madder, and madder. 
 
[blows more air into balloon] 
 
And your veins get fuller. 
 
 
 
[blows more air into balloon] 
 
And you’re about to let it go. And what happens is—POW!— there’s an 
explosion. It’s sort of like being sick with the flu, and you tell yourself, 
“Oh, I wish I could hurl! If I could just hurl, I know I’ll feel better.” 
 
Well, yeah, you’ll feel better, but look at what happens after you hurl 
over everybody—and that’s what happens with anger. You’ve got 
people you live with who’ve got vomit, psychological, emotional vomit 
all over them, and you feel better. 
 
Let me tell you how to deal with anger. Number one, anger is a very 
natural emotion. We all have anger. I mean, Jesus Christ, Himself, was 
angry. Notice when He went into the money-changers in the temple, 
He didn’t say, “Oh, hi, fellas. Have a nice day.” He threw them out. He 
used action, not words—which is something I’ve been talking about for 
years with reality discipline.  
 
Hey, do you remember that terrible sound you used to make with a 
balloon—squeek, squeek— as a kid? It drove your brother up the wall, 
your sister, your parents. It was fun to do. But watch what happens 
when I do that. 
 
[slowly releases air from balloon] 
 
Watch the balloon. It gets much more soft, more malleable. Is it going 
to explode? No. Here’s the analogy: as you have anger feelings inside 
of you, the thing to do is to learn how to articulate that anger.  
 
Now, if your son or daughter has done something, get mad at the 
situation: “You know something, Honey? It really makes me angry to 
come in here and see this family room looking like that. Now, you 
know Grandma and Grandpa are coming for dinner tonight, and I 
Leman -2- 
 
 
worked hard getting this room straightened up and this whole house 
cleaned this morning, and I don’t appreciate the fact that it looks the 
way it looks.” 
 
Now, notice that what I’m responding to is “the way it looks.” I’m not 
saying, “You’re a bad kid. I don’t love you,” or anything else. Keep the 
focus where it belongs: on the act, and not the actor. If you do, you’ll 
find that your discipline is much more effective, and on top of that, 
you won’t set off the defenses in the kids to have one hassle develop 
into a super hassle. Try it. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Leman -2- 
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