To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 
iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
I know birth order affects personalities. How can I use this to 
understand my family better? 
 
Answer:  
 
Hey, what a great question. You know, I really believe that the parent 
who understands birth order has a leg up on the parent next door, 
because everybody knows that kids are different. Hey, trust me on this 
one. 
 
In 1985, I wrote The Birth Order Book, which became a mega-
bestseller. Back in those days, it was the Phil Donohue Show that an 
author wanted to be on. And that book was really jettisoned through 
the appearance on the Phil Donohue Show. Well, after Phil came who? 
Oprah. Yeah, I’ve done her show probably four or five times in my life.  
 
It amazes me that how once people start talking about birth order 
they just latch on to it and don’t let go. It’s fascinating that all these 
cubs could come out of the same den and be so unique and so 
different. If you’re a parent, I guarantee you your number one child 
hangs a “Louie” and your number two child hangs a “Ralph.” They’re 
night and day different. The firstborn and second born are going to be 
different in any family.  
 
And so, what you need to understand is that these kids are going to be 
different. And so, the question is do you treat the kids differently?  Of 
course, you should. The states you live in treat your kids differently. 
One kid’s going to be driving someday, while the other kid is wishing. 
 
 
You know. So, don’t be afraid to have different bedtimes, different 
allowances. 
 
And here’s the kicker. You’re going to relate differently to the kids in 
birth order. Okay? If you were the baby in the family and picked on by 
your older brothers or older sisters, who are you going to migrate to 
emotionally? That baby in the family. So, your birth order affects how 
you parent.  
 
There’s so many hooks and neat little things in birth order. I’ll try to 
get through them real quick. But one of the things you have to be 
aware of are the variables that affect birth order. Now, your firstborn 
child is stereotypically the reliable, conscientious one. The list-maker. 
The one that you call on when a job has to be done. They’re the 
responsible ones. The mostly likely in the family to grow up and 
become the President of the United States or an organization.  
 
Your second born is going to be just the opposite. What does that 
mean? They’re going to be selling newspapers on the street corner? 
No. It just means that they will go in a different direction in life. 
 
And so, the question is, can you use birth order to become a better 
parent? Of course you can, if you realize that these kids are different.  
 
When my second-born daughter was born, my very first thought 
looking at her—I mean, she just came out of that special place in 
Mommy, OK?—my first thought was, “She doesn’t look like Holly,” her 
older sister. Why should she look like Holly? She’s not Holly. But that’s 
how parents are. 
 
So, birth order is affected by a lot of variables. Number one—sex, that 
is, the sex of the child.  The Lemans have five kids: Holly, Chrissy, 
Kevin, Hannah, and Lauren. Now, let me show you how this works. 
Two daughters and a son, okay? Now, what is Kevin? Is he a middle 
Leman -2- 
 
 
child? No. What is he? He’s an only son. Very creative. Very first-born-
like.  
 
Little Hannah is 9½ years removed from Kevin and the other three 
kids. She was our little mascot. She’s the baby in the family, believe it 
or not, even though there’s a fifth one here. Little Loren is like an only 
child. She’s got like six parents. That’s how you have to look at that 
situation.  
 
So, when we talk about birth order, we’re not just talking about your 
ordinal position in the family. You can have more than one first-born in 
a given family, for example.  
 
Understand that every kid has a private logic that’s different. Your 
little first-born’s private logic might be, “I only count in life when I 
dominate, when I control.” They are the natural leaders, but they can 
also be powerful little buzzards. My friend, Jim Dobson, calls them 
“strong-willed children.” Personally, I like “powerful little buzzard” 
better, but you get the idea. 
 
That middle child, when the phone rings, it’s for him or her in your 
family. They’re the social butterfly. They’re competitive, but most 
likely to be the rebel. You find the rebel in the family usually in the 
middle position of the family. And in business, guess what they grow 
up to be? Entrepreneurs. Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Steve Forbes—all 
middle children. So, your later-borns are your entrepreneurs.  
 
And your top sales people in the family are, guess who? Not little 
schnookie, the baby of the family, who got away with murder? Yeah. 
Little schnookie, the baby in the family. He could sell dead rats for a 
living. He got away with murder, okay? He earns a living looking up. I 
always say babies of the family, you know, look up.  
 
Leman -3- 
 
 
When I was in private practice working with families and I couldn’t 
figure out, “Well, who’s telling the truth here,” or whatever, I’d turn to 
little schnookie, the little seven-year-old. I’d say, “Hey, tell me, 
Schnookie, what’s going on?” They’ll tell you what’s going on. Why? 
They know it. They live it everyday. They know how to get around 
people. 
 
So, with an understanding of birth order, you become a better parent, 
because you know what? You’re going to demand that that little baby 
of the family pitches in and helps towards in the family, and that the 
first-born doesn’t end up doing everything.  
 
You know what you’re going to do? You’re out bowling, for example, 
with the kids, and rather than do what most parents do—and we bowl 
in order of age—you’re going to be brave enough to say to the middle 
child, “Honey, why don’t you pick and choose who’s going to bowl 
first?” In other words, what I’m saying is you empower your middle 
child. “Honey, what do you think?” I mean, you’re wallpapering your 
kitchen, ladies, just you ask your middle child what do they think. I 
mean, they’ll almost fall over from shock that somebody cares about 
what they think, because they’re squeezed between the crowned 
prince or princess, who is the star of the family, and little schnookie, 
who got away with murder.  
 
And for the record, comedians—Billy Crystal, Eddie Murphy, Goldie 
Hawn, Drew Carey, Jim Carrey, Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Whoopi 
Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, Leslie Nielsen, the late John 
Candy, and the father of comedy, Charlie Chaplin, all guess what? 
Babies of the family. So, it’s true. It’s very true. We talk about 
individual differences of kids. They’re very different. Each is a creation 
from Almighty God. So, you be sure you treat your kids differently. 
 
Want to know more about birth order? Read The Birth Order Book.  
 
Leman -4- 
 
 
And by the way, that son of mine I mentioned—this guy right here in 
the middle—comedy writer for the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Ever wonder 
why Ellen’s funny in her monologues? I tell you one reason why. My 
son helps write her monologues. He’s a talented kid. He’s written six 
books with me.  
 
We’ve got a kid’s series on birth order:  
 
My First-Born: There’s No One Like You. 
 
My Middle Child: There’s No One Like You.  
 
My Youngest: There’s No One Like You.  
 
How about this one?  
 
My Adopted Child: There’s No One Like You. 
 
And then the next one: 
 
My Grandchild: There’s No One Like You. 
 
Oh, that’s a whole other story. If I could only get my wife to be a little 
bit more reserved. She gives the kids gold and cash. I don’t 
understand it. But we’ll do that one another time. That’s enough on 
birth order. Enjoy your kids. They’re different from one another.    
 
Leman -5- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.