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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
Are there any special tips you can give me for parenting a first-born 
child? 
 
Answer:  
 
First-borns rule. Don’t believe me? Listen to this.  
 
Presidents of the United States: first-born children.  
 
Astronauts into outer space: first-born children. Of the first twenty-
three? Twenty-one first-borns, not a middle or baby in sight.  
 
In fact, there’s only been five babies of the family who ever made it to 
the White House, probably because they couldn’t find it. Who knows? 
 
But back to first-borns. They’re reliable, conscientious list makers. 
They know exactly how life ought to be. To put it bluntly, they can be 
bossy little suckers. Back to the guinea pig idea, OK? You parents are, 
in fact, practicing on your first-born, and when a first-born does 
something for the first time, you sort of overdo it.  
 
Keep in mind that the little first-born looks up and takes all of his or 
hers clues from whom? From the first-born. Now, you add other 
children in the family. A job has to be done. You need help. Who do 
you call on? You call on your first-born. You groom them for success. 
That’s one of the reasons why they’re natural leaders.   
 
 
But you know what? What I’ve learned in my years of experience with 
families is this. The first-born has a tremendous need to know exactly 
what’s happening. Let me give you just a typical example.  
 
“Daddy, what time are we going to leave?”  
 
“Honey, we’ll leave around 9:00.”  
 
“Daddy, what time are we going to leave?”  
 
“Honey, we’ll leave the parking lot at 9:05.”  
 
“Thanks, Dad.”  
 
Your first-born has a need for detail. Give him the details of certain 
things. Your first-born needs to be treated with privilege. What does 
that mean? It means they get to stay up later than anybody else in the 
family. They get a bigger allowance than anybody else in the family. 
 
Here’s the problem with first-born children. They hear the hoof-beats 
of the second-born child. The sibling rivalry starts between the nine-
year old and the seven-year-old. And the nine-year-old starts putting 
the seven-year old down to make himself look better. So, from the get 
go, it’s the smart parent who begins to build a case for the first-born, 
who says, “You know what? You’re going to be okay in life.”  First-
borns tend to be critical.  
 
Now, first-born children grow up to be what? First-born adults. And 
that critical-eyed parent is most likely the first-born in the family. 
 
Now, let’s add a little humor to this. Everybody think, for just a 
second, who is the children you butt heads with the most. Got that 
child? Ready for some humor. You’re like her. You’re like him. That’s 
why you butt heads.  
Leman -2- 
 
 
You take two first-borns in marriage. The husband’s driving the car. 
The wife’s sitting in the passenger seat. Husband hangs a simple left-
hand turn. What does the first-born wife say? “Why are you turning 
here?” “I want to go down here.” She says, “All you’ve got to do is 
keep going and you’ll hit the interstate. You’ll be there in a second.”  
 
First-borns are the great what? Improvers. The “should-ers.” I call 
them the “Martha Luthers”—the women. They’re the great reformers. 
They find a way of doing things better. Watch your critical-tongue 
parent. Watch your critical-eye.  
 
You know, the first-born has to help. You’re trying to make cookies for 
church. Let me suggest that the last thing you need is what? Help from 
your four-year-old. You’re trying to get to church on time. And the 
four-year-old is pulling on you, “Mommy, Mommy, can I do something 
to help?” And you say, in desperation, “If you really want to help 
Mommy, ah, go make your bed.” Whoosh. Four-year-old’s gone. 
Makes his bed. Thirty-six seconds later, he’s back. “Mommy, Mommy, 
I made my bed.” 
 
Now, what does he want? He wants you to come look at it. It’s like the 
kid swimming in a pool in the middle of the summer. “Mommy watch 
me, watch me, watch me.” You know that don’t you, Mom? Well, he 
wants you to do see he did. So, you go in there. And you took a course 
in sociology, child development, and family relations, so you know 
what to say. “Oh, what a beautiful job. What a beautiful job.” And as 
you say, “What a beautiful job,” what do you do? You fluff up the 
pillow and straighten out the bed.  
 
Now, your words were encouraging. “What a good job.”  
 
Your actions were what? Discouraging.  
 
Leman -3- 
 
What did you just say to your child? “You didn’t measure up.” 
 
You know, the ones who are the most likely to walk through life, who 
are what I call the high-jump bar of life, are guess what? First-born 
children. 
 
You know, Billy Joel sang a song once. I always loved this song. I love 
the lyrics. “I love you just the way you are.” If you’re a wise parent, 
you will learn to love your little first-born with all those perfectionistic-
driven tendencies just the way they are. 
 
Leman -4- 
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