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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Kevin Leman 
 
 
Question: 
 
Why are second-born children so different from first-born children? 
 
Answer:  
 
Let’s talk about middle children. 
 
Well, that’s enough about them. Let’s talk about the others now. 
 
You know, the truth of the matter is, that’s how middle children feel. 
They feel left out. Why? Because they’re squeezed between the crown 
prince and princess, who gets all the marquee time. 
 
Look at the family photo album. That’s a great indicator of where we 
are with middle children today.  
 
The firstborn: eight volumes with gold-leaf letters, neatly organized. 
 
The middle child: “Oh, we’ve got a few pictures in a shoebox in a 
closet. They’re here somewhere, Honey. I’ll dig them out one of these 
days.” 
 
Well, that’s how middle children feel. They feel like the firstborn gets 
far too much ink—and did I even mention that little brat underneath 
him? The one who got away with murder? The one who set them up, 
got them in trouble? 
 
Now, do you see why middle children have some problems in life? The 
reality is, middle children never had Mom and Dad to themselves, so 
they negotiate and compromise as a way of life.  
 
 
 
Let me give you the flip-side to this. The positive side of it is, guess 
what? Middle children grow up to be people-persons. They’re good at 
reading situations. They’re great middle-management, for example. 
They’re negotiators and compromisers by their nature. That’s a great 
skill to take into, what? Marriage. 
 
You know, when you marry a middle child, it’s like going down to the 
blood bank and finding a universal donor. I mean they go with about 
everything. They’re the least likely to have the big ego, the most likely 
to be the team player. 
 
So, as a parent, what you have to be aware of is this: the middle child 
is the most secretive, the most likely not to tell you what’s really going 
on in their life. They’re going to show you one kind of child in front of 
their friends at church, or at school, or in the home—but trust me, 
there’s a second child in every middle child, because middle children 
feel like they are squeezed and hammered by both ends of the 
spectrum.   
 
So, the smart thing to do is always ask the middle child, “Honey, what 
do you think?” And sometimes—trust me on this one—the kid will 
throw you a fish like you would to a seal. They’ll give you just a little 
grunt answer. Sometimes, as a parent, you’ve got to go beyond that.  
 
“Honey, I heard the words, but something tells me that you don’t 
really feel that way. Something tells me that you’ve got resentment or 
angry feelings in you. Is that true? Can we talk about that? I’d love to 
hear what you have to say.” Now, if you take that approach, that 
middle child who tends to close down will open up and tell you what’s 
really going on in their life. 
 
Oh, and one other thing: watch those comparisons.  
 
Leman -2- 
 
 
I mean, there’s not a school teacher in American that this hasn’t 
happened to. The first day of school, you go through the class list, and 
you see the name Boerner.  
 
“Oh, Boerner. You must be Melody’s sister. It’s so nice to have you in 
class.” 
 
Let me just suggest you just took one quantum leap in logic. Why do I 
say that? Because you’re assuming that the second-born is just like 
Little Miss Goodie Two Shoes, the firstborn that you had two years 
earlier in class. 
 
The reality is, in all probability, you have little Attila Boerner, who’s 
going to be just a little bit different than Little Miss Goodie Two Shoes 
on top of the heap. Do you know what I’m saying?  
 
So, getting behind the eyes of the middle child—every wise parent will 
get behind the eyes of the middle child and see how they see life. Yes, 
they’re competitive, and yes, they’re secretive. But you know what? 
That’s part of the magic of what a middle child is all about.  
 
Look for the good in all of your kids, and always treat them differently. 
 
 
 
 
 
Leman -3- 
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