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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg 
 
 
Question: 
 
Whenever we have an argument, my spouse retreats when I want to 
talk it out. How can we learn to “fight fair?”  
 
Answer: 
 
DR. GARY ROSBERG: Fighting fair is a question that couples have been 
dealing with for generations. 
 
BARBARA ROSBERG: That’s right! If we’re going to fight, by golly, it 
better be fair.  
 
GARY: As long as I win. 
 
BARBARA: Actually, we women just want to connect. We just want to 
have their whole heart.  And have the comfort that everything’s okay 
in marriage. Gary, I can remember when we were little, and the street 
lights would come on at night. About that point, all the kids in the 
neighborhood would run outside and say, “Let’s play hide-and-go-
seek.”  It was a lot of fun hiding and retreating and waiting for 
somebody to come find you. But, what works well when we’re children 
does not play well when we’re adults and married. Many times, we 
may pull away. Waiting for someone to chase us, waiting because 
we’re thinking we’re getting a benefit of attention. But, if someone 
doesn’t choose to connect, or choose to connect in a timely way, then 
so easily our hearts can grow hard and bitter and resentful. I think the 
most important thing is; if we’re not going to talk about an issue now, 
then when? Gary, I love it when you teach the principles about taking 
care of it; whatever the issue is, within the day. 
 
 
GARY: There’s some age-old wisdom about that that says, “Don’t let 
the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26) Now, think about 
that when you’re resolving a conflict. I know when Barb and I have a 
difference—and we’re both pretty strong personalities—what we need 
to do is listen to each other. And validate each other. And tell each 
other what we’re hearing the other person saying. Trying to honor the 
emotions, but not letting the emotions drive the train. 
 
BARBARA: So often, when we have gone to bed angry with one 
another—and there have been times in 32 years it has happened— 
and we’ll turn back-to-back. I’ll be laying on the very edge of that 
mattress, because I’m withdrawing or so mad over whatever the issue 
is. And, I may go to bed and my heart will be sort of semi-soft; sort of 
like wet cement. Yet when I wake up—it’s as hard as concrete. So, 
here’s the difference: what you can take care of within the day; maybe 
might take twenty or thirty minutes to really talk through; understand; 
get to the other side of the misunderstanding, and experience that 
intimacy when two hearts have drained the pain, and just loved on one 
another.  
 
Whereas, if you wait until the next day and your heart is hard; you’ve 
been there and so have we; where it’s like drilling down through hard 
concrete. And you’re on the phone trying to take care of it, and 
instead of just a short time, it takes hours and hours. And sometimes 
a whole day to try to connect on an issue. 
 
GARY: So, instead of retreating, let’s learn how to resolve. How do you 
resolve? You separate the person from the behavior. You listen to the 
other person. You validate what the other person is feeling and what 
they’re saying to you. And you know what guys? We are the ones who 
are the most famous for retreating. Sometimes we retreat because 
we’re trying to think it through. We’re trying to figure out how we’re 
going to respond to this. How we’re going to solve this problem. Tell 
your wife that’s what you’re doing. But, then set up a time to come 
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back and resolve it.  And, why sometimes you’re retreating is because 
you’re looking for security. Maybe you grew up in a family where 
somebody was pretty harsh. Just remember that the person you’re 
married to is not your mom, not your dad, it’s not that other person. 
We want to encourage you to fight fair, always honoring the other 
person. 
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