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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
As a wife and a working mom with kids, how do I find a balance? 
 
Answer:  
 
You’re a mother, a wife, and you’ve got your job, and you’re a 
woman—so, it’s really four areas of your life that you’re trying to 
juggle and take care of. Well, let me give you a clue about some of the 
things that I’ve learned over the years that have helped me, and then 
the research I’ve done with women, personally, over the world—what 
are they doing to get their life more in balance? 
 
I think if you look at your life as a barrel, and realize that all four of 
the things, if you fill them all up every day, it’s like a full and actually 
over-running barrel, which is really what you want, I want, we all 
want. 
 
What is it that I suggest you do in this? Number one, as a mom, find 
out what each of your children need, specifically. What do they need? 
They need to be praised, they need to be listened to, they need to be 
fed. There are certain practical, specific needs—you could make a list, 
in fact—and if your kids are old enough to talk to you and explain it, 
you could ask them what they need. Say, “Is Mommy doing a good 
job? What would make it better?”  
 
I used to get my kids together, and my wife and I would do this 
together, and we would say, “This is a new year,” we did this in 
January. “What would you love to see happen this year, so that if it 
happened, it would be a great year for you?” We’d take those things 
 
 
down in notes, and all of us together actually would help each other 
see that those things are done. 
 
Well, then you have your job. What about your job? You either own 
your business or you work for someone. Do you know what your 
boss’s goals are for your business? If you know, and you start using 
your intelligence and your experience and your skills, he or she will 
love you. 
 
It’s just so important to find out how to fill your boss’s dreams and 
goals. Know exactly what it is, because when you’re serving a person 
and doing a great job, you don’t always have to work from 8 to 5. I 
mean, I’m very flexible.  If a person does a great job, they can take 
off whenever they want.  
 
And with kids, you may have to do that sometime when they’re sick, 
and so on.  
 
And then, you’ve got your husband. I suggest that you just show up 
naked twice with him a day, and that takes care of it right there. No, 
seriously, a man needs more than just that—although, that is a major 
need a man has—but I know that all men love to be praised to by their 
wife. I get praised by people all over the world, but it’s most 
meaningful and satisfying when my wife praises me. I need to feel 
respected, honored. When I get that from my wife, that’s a big thing.  
 
If you just respect your husband, that can fill his barrel right up. But 
the main thing is to ask him. You’re actually trying to help him feel 
fulfilled in your relationship, so ask him, “What would need to happen 
this year so that if it happened, you’d say, ‘I sure am satisfied with 
you and our family’?” That’s important. So, you can find it out from the 
person you’re trying to serve. 
 
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And then there’s you. It’s very important, if you don’t do this, you 
can’t do the other three. So, you have to make sure you’re taking care 
of you. What are the best things for you? I’ve read that a hot bath in 
the evening really refreshes a lot of women, that lavender scent really 
gives energy and strength to a lot of women. Smells, certain smells 
that are pleasant nourish you. But I could say that if this was you, a 
container, the best thing I’ve found in life to fill me up is my 
relationship with God.  
 
So, we think about life, we’ve got four relationships: your relationship 
with your boss, your relationship with your husband, your relationship 
with your kids, and your relationship with God. Your supernatural 
relationship is very important. I’ve actually asked God, “What does it 
take to have a great relationship with You?” and for me, that’s clearly 
spelled out in the Bible. It’s not that much. It’s hiding His word in my 
heart—it’s memorizing His word until it gets to my heart—it’s 
communicating with Him every day, and it’s serving Him.  
 
He tells me to love people, so you’re taking care of the other three. 
So, take care of yourself—otherwise, if you’re not filled up, you don’t 
have the energy and the strength to take care of the other three 
people you’re interacting with in a relationship. 
 
Those four things are very important, to be balanced. 
  
 
 
 
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