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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg 
 
 
Question: 
 
My spouse criticizes everything I do. How can I explain how that 
makes me feel? Is there any hope for him to change? 
 
Answer: 
 
DR. GARY ROSBERG: The question about criticism in a marriage 
relationship is a very, very significant question. 
 
BARBARA ROSBERG: Very tender, very close to the heart. We’re so 
glad you asked that. 
 
GARY: Criticism is rooted in insecurity. It’s rooted in fear. It’s rooted in 
anger or control. And yet when a person is being critical of another 
person, it’s not critiquing the behavior, but it really hammers away at 
the other person’s sense of who they are. Their sense of self-esteem 
and everything else. And, sometime you’ll see a face on that person 
that will remind you of somebody other than the person you’re married 
to. It might be a critical parent, or a grandparent, or an aunt or an 
uncle, or an older sibling who was critical of you growing up. 
 
BARBARA: When you talked about criticism, I thought about how you 
might be talking about an issue. But, it’s those flaming arrows of 
attack against the personality, your personality, that your mate is 
attacking, and that alone can be so harsh in a marriage.  Every one of 
us, especially those of us that are verbal, long to hear words of 
affirmation. In fact, we’re encouraged to get rid of all bitterness and 
anger, and instead to be tender-hearted and kind with one another. I 
can’t think of a safer marriage than when your home is full of 
 
tenderness and you’re thinking in everything you say how to temper it 
with love. 
 
GARY: So, differences are fine. That’s just the bottom line in a 
relationship. You’re going to have differences. But one researcher 
talked about this, and he said that when one person is critical than the 
other person will become defensive. Then when they feel 
defensiveness they may move towards contempt, and even beyond 
contempt to stonewalling and withdrawal. 
 
BARBARA: Stonewalling is when I’m so hurt by my mate, and I’m 
protecting myself. I build a stone wall in between myself and him, and 
there’s no way we can possibly get to the other side and experience 
that journey of coming through our differences; arriving at a solution 
where we both understand one another and learn to walk in 
agreement. You see, we’re missing out on every part of relationship 
building, and that’s why your question is so important to us. 
 
GARY: It really is. So, let us coach you on this one. If there is criticism 
within the relationship, one of the first things you need to do is learn 
to separate the person from the behavior. Barb, early in our marriage, 
we would have conflict. And I kept seeing a wounded look on Barb’s 
face. About seven years after that, conflict began to rear up. I feel like 
I’m shooting arrows through this issue, and I feel like those arrows are 
ending up in your heart. I remember, I took a pillow, and I threw it on 
the floor, and I came alongside of you, and I said, “Honey, you know I 
love you, and you love me. We’ve got an issue to resolve. So let’s talk 
about the issue.”  Because we both felt strongly about that issue. 
When we learned to separate the person from the behavior, the 
criticism and the critical spirit began to diminish. 
 
BARBARA: You know what really changed that day? It’s when you said, 
“Barb, our relationship is far more important than this issue”. And 
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when you threw that pillow on the floor, I realized that the issue was 
outside of us, and that you were defending our marriage relationship. 
 
GARY: So, remember that the relationship is non-negotiable. There will 
be times when you’ll differ with each other. Criticism, that makes 
sense; we’ve done that in our relationship, but be cautious not to be 
critical of the person. Separate the person from the behavior. 
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